American Voters Want Better Candidates Than The Corpse And Mugshot

A new spate of polls has been released showing that only about 35% of Americans want to see a rerun of the presidential race between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Approximately 57% of Americans would rather watch a rerun of Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon, while 65% would prefer to have one of those pimples you sometimes get on the inside of your lip and then you forget about it and drink a glass of orange juice and it feels like your face is full of hydrochloric acid.

Approximately 80% of people who don’t work in the news media say a Biden candidacy would be inappropriate because the president’s body has begun to decay and it smells bad and yet he keeps saying “Bidenomics is working,” in a scary whisper-voice, distracting them while they’re trying to hunt down a squirrel for dinner. Conversely, 80% of those who are in the news media say they don’t smell anything, and anyway, it’s probably just some meat that’s gone rotten in the refrigerator and there’s absolutely no evidence that Biden is as corrupt as he obviously is — so everything’s fine.