A new spate of polls has been released showing that only about 35% of Americans want to see a rerun of the presidential race between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Approximately 57% of Americans would rather watch a rerun of Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon, while 65% would prefer to have one of those pimples you sometimes get on the inside of your lip and then you forget about it and drink a glass of orange juice and it feels like your face is full of hydrochloric acid.
Approximately 80% of people who don’t work in the news media say a Biden candidacy would be inappropriate because the president’s body has begun to decay and it smells bad and yet he keeps saying “Bidenomics is working,” in a scary whisper-voice, distracting them while they’re trying to hunt down a squirrel for dinner. Conversely, 80% of those who are in the news media say they don’t smell anything, and anyway, it’s probably just some meat that’s gone rotten in the refrigerator and there’s absolutely no evidence that Biden is as corrupt as he obviously is — so everything’s fine.
Around 70% of Republicans who oppose a Trump candidacy say it’s because Trump keeps making that giant frowny face so he looks like a walking mugshot and also because he keeps posting on Truth Social about how everyone he doesn’t like should be executed and they’re beginning to worry he may be serious — and also because just look at him, for crying out loud, what are you, crazy? Ninety-five percent of Democrats who oppose Trump run around in circles screaming that Hitler held transexual slaves in the American South before murdering George Floyd with fossil fuels. Then the Democrats set off the fire alarm, explaining they were in a hurry to go to the bathroom and throw up because climate change has created so much racism that you can’t even castrate your child without Republicans banning abortion. Although Republicans denounced the Democrats for setting off the alarm, Democrats defended the action, saying they had to do it because they’re completely hysterical.
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Since the American people want better candidates than last time, both Democrats and Republicans are working hard to make sure the American people don’t get what they want because — screw them. For instance, with polls showing voters strongly disapprove of the Democrat president, Democrats, Democrat policies, and Democrat policies made by Democrats working with the Democrat president, Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz has devised a brilliant plan to ensure that only Democrats are elected to office from now on. By engineering the ouster of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, Gaetz temporarily traded a likely Republican electoral victory for self-destructive paralyzing chaos until McCarthy can be replaced by Gaetz’s imaginary friend, Boo Boo the invisible Bear. Congresswoman Nancy Mace likewise voted for the Gaetz plan but says morning sex with her fiancé was just so fantastic that she was in a haze of afterglow and didn’t know what the hell she was voting for. In response to the McCarthy vote, congressional Democrats set off the fire alarm and ran into the street screaming about Hitler’s transphobic climate change.
Meanwhile, no matter how unpopular the idea of a Trump-Biden rematch is, other candidates have not been able to make any headway. At the last Republican debate, for example, Nikki Haley just wagged her finger and scolded people for no reason like when your maiden aunt gets angry drunk at Thanksgiving but is too deaf to understand what anyone is talking about. Vivek Ramaswamy delivered an articulate and impassioned speech and is now waiting to find out what he said so he can disagree with it. And Ron DeSantis continued to do an excellent job governing the state of Florida, thus rendering himself entirely unelectable.
Across the aisle, meanwhile, RFK Jr. has announced he’s going to run as an independent. He says his differences with the Democrat Party are irreconcilable because they’re corrupt and authoritarian whereas he’s totally insane.
Thus no matter what the voters want, it looks like it’s going to be the corpse versus the mugshot all over again. So on your way out of the country, don’t forget to set off the fire alarm.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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