The following is satirical.
The ramifications of last Sunday’s Oscar telecast are still being felt from the corner of Hollywood and Vine to the other corner of Hollywood and Vine just across the street. After all, when actors are given little statuettes for pretending to be other people, all of America stops, eager to hear what they have to say or possibly we’ve just dozed off.
But who among us is not interested in the opinions of a beautiful millionaire actress traipsing down a red carpet in a hand-made gown embroidered with the names of I’m not sure what exactly, since I was staring at her cleavage like everyone else. And which of us does not want our evening uplifted by hearing the wisdom of an actor who’s kicked drugs long enough to give us the lecture he used to give to his third wife before she wised up and took the kids back to Philadelphia?
We got to hear from Brad Pitt, who was bold enough to speak out against Donald Trump, risking his career by agreeing with every single powerful person he knows or has ever met.
Then there was an Oscar for a documentary about the working man produced by Barack Obama, who made a deal with Netflix likely valued at over $100 million just after making a memoir deal with Random House valued at $65 million.
The director of the documentary accepted her award by quoting the line from the Communist Manifesto, “Workers of the world Unite,” after which she and a motley crew of Russian peasants stormed the Obamas’ mansion and occupied it in your dreams.
And finally, there was Joaquin Phoenix’s speech after winning the Oscar for “Joker.” Joaquin, who is still recovering from having been named Joaquin, denounced all mankind for stealing milk from poor little cows and brutally putting it in our coffee, or flavoring it with chocolate — which is really tasty, by the way, especially with just a small scoop of ice cream…
I forgot what Joaquin was talking about. But then, so has everyone else.
Related: Rush Limbaugh Reacts To Joaquin Phoenix’s ‘Feel-Good Wackoism’ Oscars Speech