Editor's Note: Because the internet is filled with foolish people, the editors of The Daily Wire wish to note that this column utilizes a literary device called sarcasm.
As you've heard, a group of virtuous freedom fighters took to the streets of Portland this past weekend to protest the rise of fascism in the United States. They expressed their point of view by marching and chanting and occasionally smacking someone in the face with a crowbar. Conservatives, of course, have not stopped complaining about this peaceful political demonstration. These snowflakes just love "free speech" until someone uses their free speech to fracture a skull. Typical hypocrisy from the Right.
But despite Antifa's honorable efforts to raise awareness of the fascist threat, there are still many who deny that fascism is a problem. Even worse, there are some who make the wild claim that the "real fascists" are the ones who will bludgeon you with a blunt object if they don't like your opinions. This is absurd, obviously. Antifa stands for "Anti-fascist." They literally cannot be fascist. It says "anti" right there in the name. Can you not read? What's the problem here?
No, Antifa isn't fascist. But there are fascists in this country. A lot of them, too. For those who have not been paying close attention, I will provide a guide to identifying fascists. We'll make this very simple.
1. Everyone who disagrees with me is fascist.
I am progressive and enlightened. I went to college. I read a book every year. I listen to informative podcasts. My views on all things are objectively correct. Truth is relative, of course, but my truth is far truthier than the average schlub's truth. To deny my truth — which, again, is a very true truth — is an act of fascism.
2. Everyone who fails to sufficiently value tolerance and open-mindedness is fascist.
The most important thing in life is to be tolerant and accepting. Intolerant people deserve to be beaten to death with a bicycle chain.
3. Everyone who votes Republican is fascist.
This is self-explanatory.
4. All racists are fascist.
I should clarify what is meant by "racist." It's a popular myth that racism is simply hating someone based on his or her race. The truth is much more complex than that. You probably can't understand it, so you'll just have to let me tell you who is racist. Shut up and stop asking questions, fascist. I'm the one who decides these things, not you.
5. All religious people are fascist. Except Muslims.
Religious people use their superstition to hurt and oppress others, which is fascist. Muslims are the exception to this rule, as all Muslim countries are utopias of peace and tranquility. Calling Muslims fascist is fascist. Not calling Christians fascist is fascist.
6. All sexists and transphobes and homophobes are fascist.
Again, we must stipulate that these terms have complex meanings. For instance, it is sexist for a man to disagree with a woman, but it is not sexist for a woman to observe that men are useless, parasitic scum. A true non-fascist will allow his moral superiors to instruct him on what does and does not constitute bigotry. Anyone who attempts to apply his own critical thinking capacities to the question is a fascist.
If anyone in your life falls into any of these categories, it is your obligation to deal with the problem. As we anti-fascists are committed to non-violence, your first step should be dialogue. Simply walk up to the fascist and instruct him to cease his fascist activities immediately. If he says "no" or "what?" or "why are you carrying that lead pipe?," then you know that further discussion is useless. The only remaining option is to beat the fascist over the head until he becomes as loving and tolerant as you.