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Democrats To Debate Their Complete Agreement With One Another [Satire]

Senator Elizabeth Warren runs down Clarendon Street waving to the crowds during the annual Boston Pride Parade
John Tlumacki/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

 

The rules for the first Democrat debates are now being made public. The 476 candidates have been divided into two separate debates by random lot, meaning frontrunners Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders will be in one debate while eventual nominee Elizabeth Warren will be in the other.

Since all the candidates agree that the long traditions of American success and freedom should now be ended in favor of the slow economic and cultural death of socialism, debaters plan to compete in other categories such as Trying to Appear Normal While Violating Every Precept of Decency and Propriety; Trying to Appear Fiery and Passionate While Being Deeply Corrupt and Utterly Cynical; and Offering Voters Free Stuff that Would Cost the Combined Gross National Products of the U.S., Europe and Asia to Actually Supply.

Debaters will also compete to show just how committed they are to the strongly held beliefs of the Democrat base. So for instance the subject of abortion will be covered by a joint ceremony in which one candidate sacrifices a six-month-old child while the other candidates gather around in black robes chanting the Latin mass backwards. In the event the abortion ceremony actually conjures a demon out of hell, he will immediately be declared the new frontrunner.

 

Since the candidates have refused to be questioned by any reporter who might embarrass or even disagree with them, there are also rules defining what questions the moderators will not be allowed to ask. Among the banned questions are:

 

Do you have any plans to clean up the cities that Democrat policies have transformed into hellholes, or do you plan to turn the entire country into one big hellhole so no one will notice the difference?

How long do we have to pretend to believe this nonsense in order to feel good about ourselves?

And: Instead of electing a Democrat government, wouldn’t it be easier if we all just moved to Venezuela?

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