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87 Percent Says Polls Are Meaningless [Satire]

The following is satirical.

A new 2020 election poll is out and it shows that 87 percent of people polled feel that polling people this early in the election process is meaningless and 17 percent say if the pollster doesn’t leave them alone they are going to bounce him down the street like a basketball.

Seventy-six percent of people polled say that Donald Trump is a menace to everything Americans hold dear or else he’s that big guy with the orange hair who plays golf all the time and is President of the United States, they’re not sure which. Fifty-two percent say whoever he is, they liked him better on the Apprentice while 46 percent say they can’t watch the Apprentice anymore because now they have a job because of that orange haired golf guy whoever he is.

When asked about Democrat candidates, 63 percent say they prefer Joe Biden because they heard his name somewhere before and he looks kind of familiar, 23 percent favor Bernie Sanders because he reminds them of their favorite Uncle Moe before he had to be put in the home and they’ve always felt kind of guilty about that, and 12 percent say they might vote for Pete Buttigieg unless it turns out he’s gay.

When it comes to the most important issue facing voters in the next election, 26 percent say it’s better cell reception although possibly that was just an excuse to get off the phone with the pollster, 23 percent say they want something for free because they never get anything for free and why aren’t things ever free anymore, and 14 percent say it’s getting just a little damned peace and quiet without the phone ringing all the time and it’s some gormless d**kwad asking a lot of meaningless questions.

Pollsters say some of these numbers may be slightly distorted because the 2020 election is still more than a year away, but they say as the election comes nearer, the numbers should become completely unreliable.

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