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China Vows To Protect Its Ability To Screw Everyone [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Our trade war with China is escalating. President Trump struck first, imposing tariffs on such imported Chinese goods as crappy toys that break as you’re trying to get them out of the incredibly frustrating plastic wrap, and electronics with stolen U.S. technology inside. China then retaliated by imposing tariffs on imported American goods like food which China says it doesn’t need because they have so many people and they can’t really vote so who cares if they die.

Chinese Trade Minister Ey Skru U told reporters, "China has every right to protect its ability to shaft the living daylights out of other countries by reneging on treaties, stealing intellectual property and totally ignoring the rulings of the World Trade Organization because we don’t believe in freedom or morality. President Trump thinks he can blackmail us into behaving like decent humans but he hasn’t got a Chinaman’s Chance, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Get it?"

Market Expert Frank Lee Panicked said the trade war provided a good opportunity for investors to overreact, run amok and indulge in apocalyptic sell-offs, telling CNN, "Whether the U.S. or China imposes tariffs, it’s the American consumer who pays the price, because I’m utterly hysterical and have no idea what I’m saying."

Democrat presidential front-runner Joe Biden addressed the issue in a statement to a suit hanging in a dry cleaners window, saying, "China has us by the throat because at any moment they could stop selling us those fried dumplings we all love so much, causing a glut on the dipping sauce market that could bring our economy crashing to a halt."

Biden then turned away and walked into a lamp post, turned 360 degrees and walked into the post again, then turned 180 degrees and carefully backed up, smacking into the lamp post a third time before asking it for a campaign donation.

President Trump says he is weighing his next step, trying to choose between ignoring the whole thing or launching a nuclear attack.

 
 
 

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