The following is satirical.
There are now so many Democrats running for president that election watchdogs fear the party may be planning to just invade the White House and seize control by force of numbers. Communists, criminals, knuckleheads and sexual predators have all joined the race — and those are only the frontrunners. The problem the candidates face is how to distinguish themselves so that after their inevitable loss they can still manage to wangle a talk show out of CNN before enough people cut their cable service to send the unwatchable lie factory spiraling into the oblivion it so richly deserves, taking the former candidate with it.
So in the spirit of bi-partisan goodwill and vicious anti-Democrat hilarity, let’s take a quick look at what some of these lovable clowns are doing to help themselves stand out in the massive, massive crowd.
Joe Biden hasn’t declared yet but is already attempting to fashion a campaign that appeals to women voters. Biden is experimenting with such campaign slogans as, “Oh, Baby, Your Hair Smells So Fine. Vote for me in 2020,” and “Let Me Whisper in Your Ear: I Want To Be Your President.”
After some initial out-of-the-gate excitement, Beto O’Rourke’s campaign hit a slight setback when voters realized he was an idiot. So Beto is trying to revive the excitement with his new slogan, “The wonderful thing about Beto is Beto’s a wonderful thing. His top is made out of rubber, his bottom is made out of spring. He’s bouncy, trouncey, flouncey, pouncey fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. O’Rourke in 2020.”
When an aide remarked that was actually the Tigger song from Disney’s Winnie the Pooh, Beto knocked him down and sat on his chest.
Kamala Harris, meanwhile, is keeping her slogan simple with, “Kamala Harris — she’s sinister and dishonest and will say anything to get elected. Plus she’s a black woman. Plus, maybe she’ll sleep with you in exchange for power like she did with Willie Brown.”
In Democrat politics, that just could be the winning formula.