Democrats Fight To Extend Voting Rights To Stupid Kids [Satire]

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) answer questions following an announced end to the partial government shutdown at the U.S. Capitol January 25, 2019 in Washington, DC.
Win McNamee/Staff/Getty Images
 

The following is satirical.

 

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says the voting age should be lowered to sixteen. In a speech to a mop closet she mistook for a feminist rally, Pelosi said, “Democrats need to get kids involved when they’re totally ignorant and half out of their minds on hormones or we’ll never get elected again.” Pelosi then realized she was talking to a bunch of mops, and said they should have the right to vote as well.

Inspired by the Speaker, high school students across the country have formed an activist organization called Teenagers Who Like Really Think it Would Be Cool to Vote and You Can’t Stop Us—or TWILLRIT WUC V-YICSU.

 

The group’s president, 16-year-old Thad Mellow, made his position clear in an essay he handed in two weeks late because his stupid little brother spilled Red Bull all over his laptop. The essay begins, “Why I would like to vote. By Thad Mellow. I would like to vote because I think Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is really hot and if I voted for her I would get to meet her in person and show her how I can ride my skateboard down the concrete stairway in back of school while lighting a lighter with my tongue only this time I’d do it without cracking my skull and setting my face on fire.”

Sixteen-year-old Victoria Plastic, who’s also the president of the group because why does the girl always have to be vice president just because she gets fewer votes, told an imaginary interviewer in this daydream she had, “If I could vote I would vote for Democrats because they’re for abortion and Thad told me you couldn’t get pregnant the first time and I believed him because I thought a guy who was cool enough to get a dragon tattooed on his testicle wouldn’t lie, so, like, now what’m I gonna do?”

Pelosi says voting rights should also be given to felons, illegals, dead Democrats and Democrats who already voted earlier in the day.

 

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