The following is satirical.
The Grammy Awards garnered very low ratings this year, leading some experts to speculate that the self-righteous leftist politics of semi-talented semi-celebrities is preventing people from enjoying their unbridled self-congratulations.
Pop Diva Taylor Miley, who showed up on the red carpet wearing a loin cloth and a pair of nickels, said she was disappointed that more people weren’t watching when she won the best song award for her number one Girl Anthem, “Now I’m Twelve. Screw me.” In a statement delivered with her face buried in a compact full of white powder, Miss Miley said, “I like to think I’m inspiring girls across the country to proclaim their strength and independence while dressing like a ten dollar hooker and allowing themselves to be used as a penis holster by any droopy-eyed punk who can grunt something half nice about them before dumping them for the next brainless fool. So I was really looking forward to accepting my award and telling everyone who they should vote for. I can’t understand why no one was watching.”
Rap singer Jay H8U said he was also baffled by the Grammys low ratings. In a statement released to his baby mama’s dealer, H8U said, “When I take time off from expressing my rage against the machine that is paying me millions of dollars to express my rage against it, I expect to receive some praise and attention for the hard work of chanting forced rhymes in an anti-social voice to repetitive non-music with a deafening bass meant to obscure its lack of originality and depth. I even went easy on the lean so I’d be there in time to lecture Americans on being more moral in their politics. Why wouldn’t people show up for that?”
The Grammy failure does not bode well for the Oscar program, which hasn’t even been able to find a host moral enough to tell jokes harmless enough to bore all the people who won’t be watching anyway because the movies suck.