A version of this article was published in December 2017.
We hear the stories every year: the ACLU suing small towns over Nativity displays, "holiday tree" lightings, colleges banning religious icons, storefronts wishing us an empty "Happy Holidays," Lena Dunham being Lena Dunham.
Yet, the moment our ears catch wind of the Left's all-too-apparent "War on Christmas," the mainstream media and their "useful idiots" in late-night comedy are already roasting us on an open fire before any of us can say "partridge in a pear tree." Instead of turtle doves and golden rings, we get gaslights and courtroom subpoenas.
Clutch not your candy canes, though. If the Puritans couldn't do it, if the French Revolutionaries couldn't do it, if the Nazis couldn't do it, if the Soviets couldn't do it, if CBS couldn't do it, then the party of scrooges will certainly never rid the world of the joy that is "Christmas." So long as we have Christ, Christmas will always follow. In the meantime, however, let's all pull up a chair, sip on some hot cocoa, roast up some chestnuts, and ring in the season with a few laughs over the Left's sorry attempts to transform Christmas into a snowflake's wonderland.
Here are the Top 10 Best (Worst?) "War on Christmas" Fails Of All Time:
10.) THE SANTA GLACIER
Back in 2015, two malls in Long Island angered customers after replacing their traditional Santa Claus display with an ugly glacier set that looked like a cross between a cheesy 60's Sci-fi and Disneyland's Matterhorn Bobsled coaster — a Christmas brought to you by Gene Roddenberry.
Beam me up, Santa.
According to customers, Roosevelt Field Mall and Charlotte SouthPark Mall chose the glacier display in an effort not to "offend" anyone. "The people who answered the phone at the mall actually said, in order not to offend anyone, they were simplifying the Christmas display," said one frequent mall patron.
The only two Christmas decorations in the entire display were Santa Claus himself — whose name derives from the Dutch word "Sinterklaas," meaning St. Nicholas — and a plain "Holiday Tree" with absolutely no ornaments or colorful lights.
Thankfully, the customer backlash paid off and management immediately removed the Star Trek-derivative monstrosity and brought back the traditional Christmas display.
9.) FIONA APPLE'S "TRUMP'S NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE" SONG
Following Trump's epic victory over Hillary Clinton in 2016, Leftists fantasized about the new president spending his Christmas with his nuts roasting on an open fire. 90's pop icon Fiona Apple turned the fantasy into a song with her own "pussyhat" rendition of the Nat King Cole classic. The lyrics rang out like a social justice warrior's nightmare of a Trump Christmas.
"Trump's nuts roasting on an open fire... As he keeps nipping at his foes... You cry creepy uncle every time he arrives... For he keeps clawing at our clothes," sings Apple before moving on to characterize Trump as a white supremacist Santa Claus intent on locking "black boys in hoodies on his sleigh."
"Everybody knows some money and entitlement can help to make the season white... Mothers of color with their kids out of sight will find it hard to sleep at night," she continued. "They know that Trump is on his way... He’s got black boys in hoodies locked up on his sleigh..."
The video concluded with Apple wishing "kids from 1 to 92" a Merry Christmas as she rips a photo of Donald Trump in half.
8.) SALON'S "WHITE PRIVILEGE" TAKE ON "A CHRISTMAS STORY"
It's one thing to read "It's A Wonderful Life" as some kind of anti-capitalist swan song to communism, but Salon blasting "A Christmas Story" as some kind of racist vehicle for "white nostalgia" is a bunch of figgy pudding. While the only legit criticism to level against the holiday classic is that quasi-racist Chinese restaurant scene, Salon opted instead to complain about black characters being shown in a "perfectly inoffensive and neutral fashion."
This is a perfect depiction of the nonwhite “other,” tailored to the conservative and superficial “color-blind” politics of the post-civil rights era.
This is an example of the “white racial frame” in action: People of color are present in a way that does not challenge the cultural and personal psychology of white racial innocence. They are present without being objectionable or intrusive in any way; they present no threat to the way whiteness and memory combine to nurture a nostalgia for a “simpler” time that in actuality did not exist.
No ban on "A Christmas Story" has come as a result of Salon's ranting. Check out the 24-hour marathon on TCM this year.
7.) THE PETITION TO BAN THAT "RACIST" SONG "WHITE CHRISTMAS"
Also in 2015, American college students signed a petition to ban the racist song "White Christmas" from radio stations for being an offense anthem against all colored people by insisting that "white" be associated with the good and the beautiful.
The petition featured Dan Joseph of MRCTV pitching the ban to several college students, all of whom were cajoled with various politically correct tropes like "'White Christmas' perpetuates the idea that white is naturally good" while shouting catch-phrases like "white supremacy is everywhere, even in your holiday songs."
6.) THE BLACKLISTING OF "BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE"
In 2018, just a little over a week ago, the classic seasonal song "Baby It's Cold Outside" was banned by a Cleveland radio station after listeners complained it allegedly promotes date rape and that it sent the wrong message in the #MeToo era.
Responding to the outcry, radio host Glenn Anderson wrote how the station decided to kick the classic song off its Christmas music roster. "We used to play the song 'Baby It's Cold Outside,' but you're the Christmas Executive Officer at Star 102 and you told us it's no longer appropriate," he said. "I gotta be honest, I didn't understand why the lyrics were so bad ... Until I read them."
Anderson said that while he understands the song was written at a different time, it has no place in the woke 21st century.
5.) BOSTON'S "HOLIDAY TREE" LIGHTING
In 2005, the city of Boston took "Happy Holidays" to a whole new level when the Department of Parks and Recreation traded out the word "Christmas" for "Holiday" at the Boston Common annual tree lighting. This new "Holiday Tree" sparked such anger among the Novia Scotia tree farmer who donated the spruce that he told reporters he'd rather shove it into a wood chipper than refer to it by the commissar-approved name.
Fortunately, it appears that Boston has since learned its lesson and has put the "Christmas Tree" back to its rightful place of prominence.
4.) GAY INTERRACIAL SANTAS
According to the Left, Santa can neither be fat nor be a white male, but he can be in a gay relationship with a black husband. Released in October by Harper's Design, the book "Santa's Husband" tells the incredible story of "a black Santa Claus and his white husband who both live in the North Pole."
Written by Daniel Kibblesmith of the "Late Show with Stephen Colbert," the book was intended to be a parody to mock conservatives.
3.) "FROSTY RETURNS"
Not even the vocal talents of John Goodman and Brian Doyle Murray could save this politically-correct propaganda piece in "Frosty the Snowman" drag. Back in 1992, CBS predated George Lucas in the ruining of childhood classics department when they released an abysmal sequel to the Rankin-Bass cartoon that mentioned neither the words Christmas nor Santa. Even the beloved song had to wait until the end credits to make an appearance.
It was here that CBS morphed Frosty from a fantastical character into some wintry version of "Smokey the Bear" — a snowman who shows up to serve environmentalist messages about the harmful effects of aerosol spray. In Soviet commissar-approved fashion, the program strips Frosty of all his Christmas roots while having him sing vague tunes about the beauty of snow. Instead of a Christmas festival, we get the generic "Winter Carnival." Instead of the jealous magician out to steal his hat back, we get a capitalist magnate set to poison the environment.
2.) THE FAILED CENSORING OF "A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS"
It might surprise you, but that iconic moment in the 1965 classic "A Charlie Brown Christmas," where Linus recites Luke's Gospel to explain the true meaning of the holiday, almost made it to the cutting room floor. Despite "Peanuts" creator Charles Schulz's insistence that religion be the focal point of his piece, producers and CBS executives were not exactly excited to get so faith-based. The logic was that Linus' speech would scare off advertisers and narrow the audience. Schulz would eventually prevail and the special has remained unedited since . . . unless certain middle-schools have anything to say about it.
1.) WASHINGTON POST ASSERTING THE VIRGIN MARY OFFENDS RAPE VICTIMS
It was not an Onion article, but a full-blown assault on the Virgin Mary by Presbyterian pastor Rev. Ruth Everhart, who argued in a Washington Post op-ed that the Mother of Christ's purity offends rape victims. Everhart took offense over the "good girl" image projected by Mary, saying it puts an unfair burden on women, especially rape victims.
"Church culture tends to be fixated on sexual purity year-round, but during Advent, I’m tempted to blame it on the Virgin Mary," she wrote. "After all, she set an impossibly high bar. Now the rest of us are stuck trying to be both a virgin and a mother at the same time. It does not seem to matter that this is biologically impossible."
Feminists have always had a particular hatred of the Virgin Mary over the very fact she contributed to the salvation of mankind by bearing a child in her womb. It is fitting that the Post elected to attack her in the height of Advent.
Have a holly jolly Christmas this year!