Feminist Writer Blames Trump For Being Out Of Shape: 'Now I Can't Open Jars'

"I stopped going to the gym because of Trump. Now I can't open jars."

Guardian journalist, Briged Delaney speaks during the Ampuni (Mercy) Vigils at C3 Church, Toongabbie on February 18, 2015 in Sydney, Australia. Myuran Sukumaran and Andrew Chan have been in an Indonesian jail for almost 10 years on death row. Over 178,000
Photo by Cole Bennetts/Getty Images

A feminist writer at The Guardian is having a hard time coping with President Donald Trump's election win. She can't even open jars now.

On Thursday, in a piece that belongs on The Onion, Brigid Delaney took to publicly blaming Trump for her decision to stop going to the gym and now, subsequently, being so out of shape that she's unable to open jars and carry groceries.

That's right, it's now Trump's fault feminists are out of shape. (Add it to the list!)

The unhinged piece takes us through Delaney's shocking heartbreak over the election and her decision to skip the gym altogether. It started with a bet. Delaney, sure Hillary Clinton would take the White House, made a wager over the 2016 presidential election with her gym owner, the "only person" she knew who thought Trump would win. She, of course, was wrong. Thus, Delaney said she begrudgingly stayed faithful to her word and lifted the heavy amount of weight she promised she would:

After Trump claimed victory, I went up to the gym in a foul mood. “Just f***ing load up the f***ing sled, all right, and let’s get it over with,” I said without much grace as I strapped a belt around my waist. ... I pulled the sled like a human oxen while being filmed and the gym staff cheered. I did it.

Doubling her personal best, though, was not enough to cheer up the feminist: "Yeah, I could pull a pretend sled. But how was that going to help me when the world had been destroyed by nuclear weapons or climate change?"

After the gym, she made her way to a nearby restaurant and had an awful experience, as the food was "unspeakably awful." This experience helped trigger Delaney's move to give up fitness entirely.

"I never went back," she said. "But I also didn’t return to the gym. I associated it now with Donald Trump, the bad meal and pulling the sled."

Delaney says she adopted Trump-style fitness, as opposed to Obama-style. "In the spirit of the Donald, I drank more bottles of Diet Coke and ate more McDonald’s," she mockingly wrote, adding, "I didn’t want to die young, so I didn’t go to the gym."

The writer became so weak that she was no longer "strong enough to open jars and carry groceries."

Delaney says she finally hit the gym this week.

"I returned again this week – to the boredom and pain of the gym – trying to build up back to the strength I had before Trump became president," wrote Delaney. "The struggle is Sisyphean."

To recap: It's President Trump's fault that a feminist writer quit the gym and is so weak that she can no longer open jars. And, for those keeping score at home, it took her some 500 days to muster the strength to work out during a Trump presidency again. #ShePersisted

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