Cries of pain and sadness could be heard across the country yesterday when Doritos announced it would be making chips designed to appeal more to women. PepsiCo global chief Indra Nooyi, one of history's greatest monsters and a traitor to her gender, said that women typically dislike their product because it is loud and messy. The new "Lady Doritos," as the internet started calling them, would hopefully address that problem by being less crunchy and coated in less of the neon orange powder that, for the sake of argument, we will call cheese.
News of this injustice spread rapidly. Feminists and feminist allies like myself exploded in outrage and fury. It was decided that the chips are not only in bad taste but are also sexist and patriarchal and misogynistic and anti-science. Doritos is engaged in a conspiracy to silence women. As The Washington Post put it, Doritos is sending the message that "you should never hear a woman crunch."
Many people connected the issue to equal pay and the pay gap, noting that this new type of corn chip will be just another obstacle preventing women from achieving equality in the workplace. Others suggested that perhaps Doritos should be providing affordable feminine hygiene products instead. Of course, there were many calls to boycott. Piers Morgan, a noted crusader for female empowerment, went so far as to crush a bag of Doritos live on air. An act of protest so brave that it makes the guy who stood in front of a column of tanks in Tiananmen Square look ridiculous by comparison.
I'll never forget the conversation I had with my four-year-old daughter last night after she had seen news reports about the Doritos fiasco. "Father," she said. "I'm concerned that these sorts of genderized marketing campaigns may push normative and patriarchal ideas of femininity, thus further disenfranchising and dehumanizing women."
"Yes," I answered, tearfully. "First it's a bag of chips, next its the global enslavement of all women. That's how these things always begin."
"I agree," she said. "But stop mansplaining."
"Forgive me," I begged.
Anyway, after a day of chip-related rage and trauma, Doritos finally backed off the idea. It announced that its snacks are for anyone who wants diabetes, not just men. As a penance, the company promised that it would tie its chief marketing strategist to a goat, cover him in Doritos dust, and banish him naked into the wilderness where he will be eaten by a pack of female wolves. This is a thoughtful gesture, but insufficient. We must not rest until Doritos agrees to demolish its corporate headquarters with its entire management staff still inside. Then we will know that it has learned its lesson.
But, you ask, what exactly is the lesson?
Well, I shouldn't need to explain this, but here goes: It is not acceptable for anyone to ever suggest that men and women have different tastes or preferences. Men and women are exactly the same in every way. Any claim to the contrary is a violation of the Constitution. Of course, on the other hand, it is acceptable to note certain qualities that are unique to men as long as the qualities are negative. Women and men are exactly the same, except for the fact that men are toxic pigs and rapists. But they share all of the same positive qualities. Of course, on the other hand, Doritos was basically assigning a negative characteristic to men by noting that men are sloppy and obnoxious eaters. But obnoxiousness, along with vulgarity and overassertiveness, are negative male qualities that the empowered woman wants to share with men. So, you see, the formula is complex. That's why it's best just to avoid making "female versions" of things. Of course, on the other hand, the female version of "Ghostbusters" was a feminist triumph and should have won the Nobel Prize. But, you see, that's different. Look, don't get sidetracked with trying to understand what feminism is actually saying. Comprehension is sexist. Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow, OK?
Let's not get bogged down by the details. All that we need to know is that a less crunchy Dorito would have led to persecution and carnage on a worldwide scale. It's not hard to see how it would have played out. First a woman is walking down the grocery aisle and sees a bag of Girl Doritos. Then, skipping over a few steps, the 19th Amendment is abolished. Next thing you know, all women in the world are being boarded into rocket ships and deported to Neptune.
This is why we must be vigilant. Oppression is lurking everywhere. Even inside a bag of corn chips.