The Democrats are planning six separate rebuttals to President Donald Trump's first official State of the Union address (if you don't count last year's simple address to a joint session of Congress). They range from the official to the truly bizarre — and include appearances from everyone from Bernie Sanders to Mark Ruffalo (though you might be a little late to catch that one).
So if you're not tired of listening to someone speak pointlessly and long-windedly on "the issues" (or you're not fully plastered after your official State of the Union drinking game), here's who and what you should watch tonight, in ascending order of crazy.
The Official Response: Right after Trump's speech concludes, the Democrats will try to convince voters that they are more in touch with issues affecting the "real Americans" who populate "flyover country." They will do this with a speech from, Sen. Joseph Kennedy III, a third-generation Senator from America's most notable "royal family," who will give his rebuttal from a coastal hideaway in Massachusetts.
The Spanish-Language Response: Virginia Delegate Elizabeth Guzman will give the Democrats' "Spanish-language" response, despite the fact that she is not yet a member of Congress. Guzman is one of ten Democrats who were swept into the Virginia statehouse in a landmark victory in 2017 — quite the feat — but she isn't exactly ready to help the Dems connect with average voters. She may be best known for quipping to the Huffington Post that, "We cannot be centrist any more."
The Bernie Sanders Response: Not to be outdone by a freshman lawmaker, Vermont Independent Sen. Bernie Sanders will deliver his own State of the Union response, but unlike his Democratic colleagues, Sanders will not deliver his remarks from a prepared speech. Rather, he'll respond on the fly, largely from a set of talking points he's already released. Expect plenty of conspiracy theories starring the Koch brothers.
The Socialist Response: Wait! Were you concerned that Bernie Sanders would demand enough free stuff in his rebuttal to Donald Trump? Well, then, you're in luck, because the Working Families Party, which considers itself an "independent minor party" pushing the larger Democratic Party to the left, will fill in the blanks with their response to Bernie Sanders' response to Sen. Joe Kennedy's response to Donald Trump.
The Maxine Waters Response: In a fair world, Maxine Waters' State of the Union response would just be "IMPEACHMENT" scribbled on a poster board. But because she's booked on BET, she'll give a heartfelt argument for booting the President from office based, largely, on a set of imagined criteria, and what she feels are personal insults.
The Celebrity Response: This happened on Monday night, so you won't be able to catch it live, but if, after all of this, you still feel the need to experience yet a stranger version of a State of the Union response, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Moore, and others, including the "artistic directors" of the Women's March, have put together an excruciatingly long video from their "People's State of the Union" event, calling for "resistance" and a host of economic policies that will never impact them personally.
If you'd rather not watch any of this, Netflix just added "Caddyshack." You'll probably be better off.