HEY, WHERE IS EVERYBODY?: Republicans Pass Tax Reform, Everyone DEAD

Wednesday dawned to the horrifying cacophony of howling dogs mourning their dead masters — men, women and children killed in a mass slaughter by the Senate’s passage of a rather ordinary tax bill from the Republicans. Yes, the Republicans had been warned that their plan would cause a symphony of darkness to play across the land. They’d been warned that the streets would be strewn with bodies. Worse, they’d been warned that those dead people would then move to Chicago and vote Democratic.

But even Republicans, who are also dead, were shocked to find themselves inhabiting the bowels of Hell — in particular, inhabiting a special place therein reserved for women who did not vote for Hillary Clinton and voters who did not stand with Roy Moore.

And all of this thanks to President Trump, who had pitched the tax cut by stating that he merely wanted what was best in life: to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

It is somewhat awkward writing this piece from the afterlife. It’s even more awkward writing this for a news site that exists on the internet — you remember, the internet, that thing that used to exist before Republicans repealed net neutrality, resulting in the annihilation of entire populations and the end of the internet itself.

And it’s supremely awkward to write it from underwater, given that President Trump’s decision to withdraw from the Paris Accords doomed huge cities to the realm of Aquaman.

What makes things even crazier is that everything is on fire despite being underwater, since Trump’s decision to move the American embassy to Jerusalem angered the Arab street so much.

By my count, I’ve died several dozen times since President Trump’s election, according to the warnings issued by media and Democrats. Yet I’ve never been able to rest in peace, because dead Republicans just keep on passing legislation that affects dead Americans and dead Democrats and dead media members keep resisting dead Donald Trump.

It turns out that the afterlife looks exactly like regular life.

Except, of course, that Justin Bieber hasn’t released any new songs in the Great Beyond. So that’s nice.

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