Despite offering up one of our beloved pop starlets/astronauts as the betrothed bride of their metrosexual, black-faced former prime minister in an attempted reconciliatory arranged marriage, the U.S.-Canada trade war continues to rage on.

Long story short: last month, after Trump announced a 50% tariff on Canadian goods amid stalled trade talks, our neighbors to the north responded with retaliatory tariffs on ~$20 billion worth of American products, including steel.

That’s when Trump announced the following:

It was a classic Trumpian gesture, albeit one that drew considerable pushback, including from the Right. The Daily Wire’s Matt Walsh, for example, pointed out that several American cities are also dubbed “Ontario,” a name that comes not from silly Snow Mexicans but from European settlers. “Not sure how you own Canada by deleting your own history,” he tweeted.

Fair! The purpose of this piece, however, is not to defend the name change. It is to defend America from 1) those who wish tech employees would cosplay as insurrectionists and overrule the f*cking president already, and 2) sub-40 IQ Threads users who are now downloading boomer MapQuest as some kind of protest gesture.

I’ll explain.

Google is Not the Government

Shortly after the White House X account tweeted the above map (likely the half-assed handiwork of some intern using Canva) showcasing the “Lake America” name change, Google issued the following statement via blog post about a subsequent change to Google Maps:

The U.S. Geographic Names Information System (GNIS) has formally changed the name for “Lake Ontario” to “Lake America” in the United States. Since we update Google Maps to reflect name changes in official government sources, which is GNIS for the U.S., people using Maps in the U.S. will see “Lake America,” those in Canada will continue to see “Lake Ontario,” and those outside of the U.S. and Canada will see both names. These updates follow our long-standing policy for bodies of water with names that vary from country to country, and are starting to roll out now.

See, the Trump admin’s renaming of Lake Ontario didn’t just take place in meme format (sorry, Mark Carney). The president also ordered an official name change through the Department of the Interior, making the actual, documented name of the lake — on all new U.S. Geological Survey publications/data releases — “Lake America.”

Again… not an endorsement of the move! Just an acknowledgment that 1) we have a president, 2) that president makes decisions sometimes, and 3) those decisions sometimes affect official documents. Google, as the company very clearly states, was merely following those official documents in accordance with long-standing policy.

So, naturally, the response from “thoughtful,” “centrist” writers on the internet was to… start demanding Google reps be summoned for hearings immediately.

I will again emphasize: the “bullsh*t” that Google “decided to go along with” is… the official name of the lake on formal government documents!!! But sure, let’s drag Sundar Pichai in to testify about why he dared to receive guidance on maps from the *checks notes* official government map-guidance people.

(Oh, and would you look at this! Apple didn’t “stay normal” after all. They also changed the name on their maps shortly after Google did. Guess we gotta have even more hearings…)

But perhaps the best counterargument to critics of the Google Maps update came in response to the left-wing writer/former techie Mike Brock, who did us all a favor by… tweeting out the dunk himself!

Per Brock’s own words: “I texted a friend who worked at Google. He wasn’t impressed with my moral preening over Lake America. He said ‘We are a business. Not the resistance.’”

Meanwhile, in a follow-up tweet, Brock’s Google friend went on to state that “the company is going to show the legal name. If Americans vote for a moron who legally names [Lake Superior] ‘Stupid Lake’ that’s what Google Maps will show… It isn’t unreasonable. This is elections having consequences.”

Thank you for your clarity, Mr. Unnamed Man who just eviscerated this writer in his very own tweet. Google should not be usurping the president; no one elected anyone there to do so, and we thank the company for having the sound judgment to recognize this.

I feel like I’m on Stupid Lake.

Which, speaking of…

Threads Users are Really Stupid and Unwell

If you thought the reaction from “smart, thoughtful” bloggers was unhinged, I shudder at the thought of showing you what random, everyday, deranged Threads users are now saying about Google relabeling a lake.

Before you read on, a word of caution: these people walk among you. They serve on jury pools. They even vote sometimes. Be mindful of this fact, and pray for America’s salvation.

First up, we have a pledge to end all friendships over lake terminology:

Next, a sorrowful lamentation that “Google bent the knee for that f*cking diaper pooping pedophile Trump”:

(Again, Google does not run the United States Department of the Interior. Advocating for the company to do so undemocratically would be akin to the technofascism that I thought you all hated and oh who am I kidding there’s no reasoning with these people.)

As mentioned previously, MapQuest (yes, the outdated web mapping service that hasn’t been relevant in years) has also now seen a surge in downloads from users who noticed it’s one of the few platforms still displaying “Lake Ontario” (probably because it’s outdated and sh*tty?)

Here, another Threads user celebrates his/her/xe/xer’s switch to the platform after “Apple bent the knee to the fat f*ck” — and look! MapQuest even comes with a rainbow unicorn! 🤩

Lovely. You may get lost on your way home from the dentist, but at least you’ll be totally sparkly and colorful.

Threads isn’t the only platform where this enlightened discourse is now happening, though. On the subreddit r/anticapitalism, one Reddit user gave perhaps the most sensible, sober, definitely-not-wellness-call-inducing response yet in reaction to Google Maps updating the name of a body of water:

A part of me wants to see these people get what they are implicitly hoping for: you guys want tech running the government now? Fine — but please keep that energy when ICE has the operational efficiency of Amazon, and illegal immigrants are sent back to Honduras via same-day shipping.

But instead, I choose to cherish the fact that I live in a country whose government’s powers are derived from the consent of the governed. (Even if the governed also includes Threads users.)

This is what makes America great.

So great, in fact… that we should consider naming a lake after it.

***

This is republished with permission from the author. The original can be found here.

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Riley Nork is a writer at Pirate Wires.

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Lake America’s Unchartered Meltdowns: MapQuesting For Online Activists