If we look at it honestly and objectively, we have to admit that in many ways, people of faith have made marriage itself the ultimate goal of life. We say things like, “You found your soulmate.” Or we refer to our spouse as “our better half.” I know that statements like these are said with nothing but good intentions, but it’s important to stop and think about their meaning for a moment. Those types of comments indicate that a person who doesn’t have a spouse — or someone who has lost a spouse — is “less than.” I know that’s not what we mean to communicate, but you see how it leads us to thinking that marriage is the thing, right? These unbiblical ideas about marriage and what it means to be married have too often colored our view of what marriage is, and what our goal within marriage should be.

The purpose of marriage, from a Christian perspective, is the same as the purpose of life – to become more like Christ. Or as Paul wrote in Romans 8:29, “to be conformed to the image of his Son.” That is the goal of a marriage, which is a beautiful (and sometimes painful) place to live out that goal by applying God’s Word to our lives. It could be expressed by working to practice James 1:19: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry,” or Colossians 3:13: “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Consider the words of Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

Each of these passages are absolutely vital components of following Jesus, but because we don’t think of these verses as being about marriage, our spouse’s face isn’t typically the first one that flashes in our mind when we think about somebody that we need to do a better job of forgiving, listening to, or being completely humble and gentle toward. (And we wish Paul hadn’t used the word completely!) I hope to challenge you to rethink that and to work to make sure that your marriage relationship is where you apply these things most often.

I want to share three biblically-based truths that will help your marriage grow stronger:

Truth #1 – God alone can meet all our needs, our spouse can’t

We tend to look to our spouse to be the one who meets all of our needs. If I am not careful, I find that I expect my wife Jane to basically function as my counselor after a hard day, my sounding board when I’m working to make a tough decision, my super competitive teammate when we’re playing pickleball against a neighbor couple, and the grandma who always has energy to help with anything our kids and grandkids need. Do you notice that none of the things I listed there considered what her day might have been like or what she herself had hoped to accomplish?

When I expect Jane to meet all of my needs (sometimes even without me ever having to ask her), I’m setting both of us up for disappointment and hurt feelings. It’s not a fair expectation to have of her, and even if she somehow did find a way to meet every one of my needs, that wouldn’t be a healthy relationship dynamic at all.

In fact, when we think that our spouse will be the one to meet all of our needs, we usually get wants and needs mixed up. Our actual needs are food, water, shelter, and air. Needs are the things that we have to have in order to stay alive. Compare that to what we’re tempted to call “needs” when it comes to our relationship. We want our spouse to see what we expect them to do and do it. We want them to be ready to pamper us or comfort us or challenge us. And sometimes we want those things badly enough that it feels like we actually need them. But when we start putting expectations and pressure on our spouse to heal wounds in us that they are not able to and that they are not responsible for, we’re putting them in the place that is reserved for our Creator.

Truth #2 – Circumstances shouldn’t dictate our satisfaction level

In Matthew 6:33, Jesus says to seek first God’s kingdom and his righteousness. If we’re not careful we start seeking our own fulfillment (often in our marriage as it’s our deepest and most intimate relationship) and make seeking God priority number two or three…or ten, if we’re honest. When these priorities are out of alignment, our circumstances start to dictate our moods and our level of satisfaction in life. When things at work and at home are going smoothly, we’re peaceful and easy to be around. But when work is stressful, our kids are struggling, or we’re not getting along with our spouse, then we’re sour and it’s hard to spend time around us. In other words, we become discontent. But the truth is that security is not found in our circumstances; it’s found in who we are in Christ.

It won’t be our natural impulse, but our goal in those moments should be to seek after God in our circumstances. What is something we could learn, even if the lesson is a painful one? How could we grow deeper in our love for God and devotion to him through all we are experiencing? When we do this, our marriage circumstances no longer determine our level of joy. When that comes from knowing we are God’s children who he dearly loves, we can hold on to that hope and comfort in the toughest of circumstances.

Truth #3 – We’re not supposed to “fix” our spouse

If you’re anything like me (and like every couple I’ve met!), then you’re probably pretty good at noticing all of your spouse’s shortcomings and areas they need to work on. Perhaps they are messy or they’re often running late. Maybe they are too wasteful with money, or they’re too frugal. It could be they don’t complete a chore around the house the “right” way. Even when our suggestions have the other person’s best interest in mind, sharing them quite often leaves our spouse feeling inadequate.

Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus is the one who is the author and perfecter of our faith. That’s a good reminder that change is very often between the person changing and God. We’re very unlikely to badger our spouse into better habits. (If that worked, we’d know by now!) But we can trust the work that God is doing in their lives as they surrender themselves to him and work on their own areas of growth.

Speaker, author, and pastor Dan Seaborn is the founder of Winning At Home, a ministry focused on strengthening marriages and families. His book, Winning at Home: Tackling the Topics that Confuse Kids and Scare Parents releases September 13, 2022.

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3 Biblical Truths That Will Help Your Marriage Grow Stronger