The following is satirical.
Some Democrats are beginning to suspect that yesterday’s Mueller hearings, which left the party in a smoking ruin of self-deceived buffoonery, may not have been as smart a strategic move as a move that would not have left the party in a smoking ruin of self-deceived buffoonery.
Jerry Nadler, Chairman of the Committee to Seize and Devour the Three Billy Goats Gruff, gave a statement to reporters while wandering dazed up and down the capitol steps with his face charred and his clothes reduce to ashes. He said, “We knew the Mueller report found no collusion between Trump and Russia and we knew it didn’t prove obstruction of justice, but how could we have guessed that seeing Mueller himself repeat his findings would not convince the public that the report said something utterly different than what it actually said? I can’t understand it. It was almost as if reality were totally different than what we saw on the news.”
In his testimony, Robert Mueller did add to the impact of his report by telling the committees he did not understand the question, he was not sure what they meant, it wasn’t in his jurisdiction, and he could not remember what they were talking about or where he was or indeed who he was, but it was all in the report and they should check it there.
After the hearing, Chief ABC Newsman, Democrat Operative and friend to Jeffrey Epstein George Suckilupigus lay his head on his news desk and sobbed uncontrollably, saying, “I was absolutely certain that this was the beginning of the end of the start of an existential crisis that would mark a turning point in the walls closing in of the chickens coming home to roost of the end of the beginning of the finale of the impeachment of the horrible Trump presidency. After all, I remember hearing that repeatedly on TV.”
When told he had heard it on his own show, Suckilupigus said, “Oh! Well, that explains why it was completely untrue.”