News and Commentary

‘ROCK STAR’: The Beto-Maniacs Offer Tearful, Creepy Tributes To Failed Senate Candidate

Last night was a very rough night for the Beto-manaics. After raising and spending more than $60 million dollars in a race that was likely unwinnable from the start, Democratic rising star Beto O’Rourke went down in a humiliating defeat to sitting Republican Sen. Ted Cruz.

It was a crushing blow to a nation of leftists who dutifully ignored last-minute polling, preferring instead to believe that Beto’s upstart campaign, financed largely by national progressives and far too left-wing for a Texas electorate, would somehow pull it out in a miraculous ending worthy of a Hallmark channel tearjerker.

But it was not to be, and instead, the tears belonged to Beto’s supporters who, anguished, sobbed openly on their livestream cameras at Beto’s “victory party,” staged to look like the setup for a 1980s hair metal cover band.

Some of Beto’s supporters simply couldn’t take it, refusing to believe he lost to perhaps America’s most unlikeable Republican candidate, and took to Twitter to describe their physical symptoms. A wave of Millennials “literally shaking” emerged.

But others expressed their grief through art therapy, posting their Beto-themed masterpieces on social media, sharing them with a hurting world.

Others created shrines to mourn his passing into the political netherworld. Some even memed their feelings. One enterprising young Twitter user even vowed to avenge Beto’s loss in her Biology class.

They’re all going to need a little space.