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President Says He Looks Forward To Firing His New Security Advisor [Satire]

By  Andrew
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Amanda Edwards/WireImage via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

President Donald Trump has named his new National Security Advisor and says he’s looking forward to firing him. The soon-to-be dismissed replacement for John Bolton is Robert O’Brien, who previously served as the nation’s chief hostage negotiator, negotiating the release of such hostages as Danny Burch, Andrew Brunson, James Mattis, and Jeff Sessions. The families of the released hostages welcomed the appointment, although Sessions still remains hospitalized for shock after the trauma of his experience.

In a statement made to either the press corps or a ravening pack of hellhounds from the fires of perdition — it’s become difficult to tell the difference — President Trump said he was glad to have O’Brien temporarily onboard.

The president said, “Many, many people whose names I can’t remember have said this is a very respected man so I feel confident he will be utterly humiliated when I toss him out in some particularly public and unpleasant way. I look forward to listening to Robert’s stupid opinions until I just can’t stand it anymore, and then firing him in the tradition of that great, great show ‘The Apprentice,’ which died when Arnold Schwarzenegger took it over because I was the whole reason for the show’s success even though Arnold was telling himself what a big star he was in that ridiculous accent of his. I mean, how long has the guy been in this country and he still talks like that Mike Meyers German character on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ which hasn’t been funny in years.”

While the president made his remarks, O’Brien stood beside him, wondering what the hell he had gotten himself into, and thinking no matter how quickly he was fired, it couldn’t come soon enough. Addressing either the press corps or a writhing tangle of poisonous snakes from an old Indiana Jones movie — it’s become difficult to tell the difference — O’Brien said, “I look forward to working with the president and I just want to say that when he tells you he fired me, I really will have quit.”

Related: KLAVAN: Here’s Why The Constitution Is Still Important

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