The Daily Wire

As Peace Talks Continue, Ayatollah Offers To Slaughter Everyone [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan

The following is satirical.

Things continue to be tense between Iran and the United States.

Iran’s former leader Ayatollah Imgonnakillya has now been replaced by Ayatollah Homeini Timesdoay Haftatollyah Imgonnakillya, who has offered an olive branch to the U.S. which the U.S. can put in an attractive complimentary vase while Iran sinks all our ships.

The Ayatollah has offered to make peace by bringing about the end of the world, slaughtering all the infidels, installing the Mahdi as president of every country, and did I mention slaughtering all the infidels? President Trump has made a counteroffer of kiss my ass and how about I bomb you back into the stone age which for you knuckleheads is only about twenty minutes ago. So negotiations are going well.

Democrats have expressed concern that in taking a hostile tone Trump has abandoned the carefully constructed Obama Doctrine of dropping billions of dollars into Iran in the dead of night, lying about it, then letting Iran build nuclear weapons, then lying about that, until Iran becomes civilized and joins the community of nations in the role of the nation that destroys all the other nations in the hope of bringing about the end of the world.

The top Democrat of the House Armed Services Committee, Congressman Pewling Poltroon, said he was concerned that Iran might not like us if we didn’t crawl on our knees with our faces pressed into the dust repeating the words, “Please like us,” until Iran agrees to kill every last one of us but in a nice way.

Meanwhile, Trump National Security Advisor John Bolton briefed key members of Congress while wearing a lion skin loin cloth and a spike in his nose shaped like a nuclear bomb. Some congressmen said they found this intimidating, especially after he detonated the bomb.

Nonetheless, tensions do seem to have eased lately, as the president has withdrawn our warships from the Strait of Hormuz and moved them into the Capitol Building.

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