The following is satirical.
The wealthy parents who paid a college consultant to help lie and cheat their children into elite colleges have hired a prison consultant to help them deal with life on the inside. Even I can’t believe I’m not making this up, but it was actually reported by CBS News — although they may find out later I really did make it up and they mistook it for reality whereupon I read it and mistook it for news and rewrote my own satire as satire — which now I think about it may account for the entire news cycle of the last ten years.
The rich parents had their consultant cheat their kids into school by such techniques as photoshopping their daughter’s face onto the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger to get her a weightlifting scholarship then having the daughter show up at Yale claiming she’d had a sex change operation and was now a 110 pound female and was off the team. Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger was later found in a singles bar trying to pick up men since he finally had the young girl’s face he always wanted.
Okay, some of this I may be making up now, but I’m not really sure.
Anyway, several of the parents caught in the scam are now planning to plead guilty, although not Lori Loughlin, the star of the nineties sitcom Full House, who is also accused of being the star of the nineties sitcom Full House, a far more serious charge.
According to CBS, the parents who have pled out have hired Justin Paperny, a former stockbroker who served prison time for fraud and now works with wealthy clients as a prison consultant.
Paperny says he can help his clients by photoshopping their faces onto the muscular tattooed bodies of MS-13 gangmembers so no one will dare mess with them in the yard, and also by raising the marks on their entry exams so they only get into the best institutions.
All of which goes to show that having too much money can drive you insane. And so can reading the news.
Related: Felicity Huffman Enters Guilty Plea: ‘I Am Ashamed Of The Pain I Have Caused’