The following is satirical.
Well, the midterm elections are tomorrow and you know what that means and neither do I. But with the polls fluctuating all over the place and the actual results unknowable, it’s important for us to make ignorant predictions that reflect nothing but our own biases and are generally manufactured with the nefarious intention of controlling the actions of people too stupid to realize we have no idea what we’re talking about.
I’m not sure why this is important, but it must be because everyone on TV is doing it. So let’s get started.
In order to bring you the very best useless and unfounded predictions out there, we at The Daily Wire have canvassed some of the most expert experts in predicting coming events that are impossible to predict.
Crack CNN amalgamation of human body parts Jim Acosta told us, “The important thing this Election Day is that everyone should be looking at me because I’m Jim Acosta. To that end, I will be shouting insulting and meaningless questions at public officials, and then making outrageous accusations into camera with a very serious face. I predict everyone everywhere will be looking at me then, because I’m Jim Acosta.”
Moving to NBC, once respected journalist Chuck Todd responded to our questions by running around in circles screaming in a high-pitched voice while waving his hands wildly around in the air. Not sure what that means, but it’s pretty typical for NBC so maybe we shouldn’t be overly concerned.
Finally, we contacted genius pollster Nate Silver who says there is a 15% chance that he’ll have to explain why his 85% chance was 79% accurate even though it was 96% wrong so he’ll have at least a 67% chance of continuing to pick up a paycheck even though he is 100% in the dark just like everyone else.
So there you have it. We hope these completely disposable predictions will cause you to do something stupid that will cost your candidate the election unless we agree with you and then the reverse.
Whatever. We’re just filling space till you vote.