The following is satirical.
Roger Stone, long-time sleazy political advisor to Donald Trump, has been indicted in the Robert Mueller probe. Stone was charged with five counts of speaking to the FBI in the past continuous tense while using verbs in the present perfect and two counts of addressing congress under oath with sentences that included dangling participles.
In a pre-dawn raid, six hundred and fifty federal agents carrying AR-15s and accompanied by a team of CNN reporters, parachuted from helicopters onto the lawn of the 66-year-old political consultant’s house, whereupon they knocked in his door with a battering ram and threw in several flash-bang grenades before shooting the family dog.
Then, led by CNN’s Jake Tapper and seventeen cameramen and sound engineers, the FBI Agents shackled Stone and carried him out to a waiting armored car, pausing only to strike a few heroic poses for the cameras before driving Stone to a military air transport where he was locked in a cage last used for Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs.
Tapper reported the arrest from the scene, standing on Stone’s neck and giving the details to whichever of CNN’s twenty-three viewers hadn’t yet left the airport waiting area to board their planes. Tapper said, “Roger Stone is being taken to prison where he’ll probably enjoy being raped because I’ve heard he’s one of them homo-sex-shiles, yuk, yuk, yuk.”
The charges of felony misuse of grammar are so serious, many CNN commentators believe they justify the fact that federal agents in the Obama administration spied on a Republican’s presidential campaign due to personal animus and information gleaned from the Democrat candidate’s Russia-based opposition research. As CNN’s Alyson Camerota explained, “We hope our reports on this matter will help restore America’s faith in its unrestrained and fascistic federal law enforcement agencies, because that, of course, is our job as journalists.”
The Stone indictment also claims the Trump campaign reached out to Stone for information on Russia’s hack of Hillary Clinton’s emails, suggesting Trump had no clue what Russia was up to, and thus the entire Mueller investigation is a politically motivated fraud.