Note: In case it’s not painfully obvious below, this is satire.
The State of California is preparing to pass a law that would require all California businesses to put at least one woman on its board of directors. Governor Jerry Brown, who is preparing to sign the bill, told reporters, “It is important for big, strong men like myself to protect the right of women to be on boards. How else will these gentle, delicate creatures attain positions of power in a cut-throat business world that was never intended for the sweet, helpless likes of them.”
Bill Monning, the majority leader of the State Senate, which has already passed the bill, issued a statement saying, “No longer will California businesses have to deal with messy boardrooms, sloppy conference tables or hastily made lunches. With this bill, we plan to make sure that each and every board in California will feel the civilizing touch of a woman, as well as that fragrant flowery smell that wafts into the room every time a lady enters. I feel sure that from now on, every man who runs a business in this state will be a little better behaved, a little better dressed and yes, maybe a touch more charming, just knowing a member of the fairer sex is in the room with him. I know from personal experience that every time I see a woman enter my office, her intriguing grace, her smooth, shapely limbs, and the unsettling curves of her outline … I forgot what I was going to say.”
The bill also got a push from Chairman of the California Democratic Party Women’s Caucus, Christine Pelosi. Pelosi, who is often said to take after her mother, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, said the California bill would provide, “a fine reminder that every woman in California must have left her purse somewhere but can’t remember where and that raises the question: Who am I?” Ms Pelosi then drew a mouth on her forehead with lipstick and walked into a broom closet, where she remained for the next seven hours.
In short, California remains a symbol of all that America can and will be if Democrats regain power.