It’s Jussieversary! That special time of year when we remember the man who took one of the biggest L’s in hoax history. Three years ago tomorrow, Jussie (pronounced “Juicy”) was ATTACKED (Narrator: He wasn’t) in the dead cold of night while getting a sandwich and some smokes. Every year, this date rolls around and we remember the man not just for the mistakes he made — and he has made a lot of mistakes — but for the memes he gave us.
The other day I asked a few friends what they thought the funniest and most obvious mistake was. With so many to choose from, I decided I’d do the internet a favor and rank the former Mighty Duck’s ten biggest mistakes from his hate crime hoax performance.
10. “I’m the gay Tupac”
Yep, he said that. What does it mean? No one knows. He said it at a concert after referencing his fight with the “attackers.” Anyone comparing themselves to the very much alive Tupac Shakur obviously has an inflated ego. He thinks quite highly of himself which is precisely what set this all in motion: the idea that he wasn’t appreciated enough. I wonder who the trans Tupac is…
Sidenote: Tupac is Kamala Harris’s favorite rapper, maybe that’s why she was so quick to retweet Jussie’s lie. “All Liez on Me.”
9. The Check
Paying your hoax actors $3,500 by check is an amazing move. Is there anything more traceable? Why not video tape himself handing them cash with a note that says “hoax payment” on it? A dope selfie video of him handing a novelty size check to the hoax actors? At least the memo line didn’t say “Fake Attack Payment.”
8. The Letter
Lost in all the chaos of this ridiculous hoax is the fact that before this happened, Jussie allegedly sent himself a racist letter. Yeah, you forgot about that didn’t you? It’s fine, so did I. But imagine being so desperate for attention that you send yourself a letter, then when that doesn’t get you the attention you want, you plan out an entire attack. This must be the progression of hoaxers: they start small and build up to the real deal. Like serial killers starting off with the neighborhood cat.
7. The Interview
This whole ordeal came about because Jussie felt he wasn’t appreciated as an actor. And it totally collapsed on him because he is such a bad actor. The performance he gave while being interviewed by Robin Roberts — where he cries and talks about being angry that no one believes him — was not convincing. But, of course, the whole game was set up to be able to call anyone who didn’t believe him a racist homophobe. I mean pick one or the other, right?
There really aren’t that many racists or homophobes — let alone racist homophobes — despite what the media wants you to think. Furthermore, of the racist homophobes that do exist, how many of them watch Empire? C’mon Juicy.
6. The Actors
Now, I’m no Hollywood bigshot. I’m not even a Hollywood smallshot. But traditionally speaking, when you have a role that calls for two big racist white men, you usually cast, well, big white men. Not Jussie. He gave the role of white racist attacker #1 and white racist attacker #2 to two black men.
In a Hollywood landscape that says only a trans person can play a trans person, you’d think Jussie would’ve been woke enough to not appropriate culture in his projects. Also, quick note, the security footage of the actors buying their supplies at a liquor store is hilarious and as the director of this production, Jussie really should’ve done a better job scouting locations.
5. The Noose
I’m going to keep this brief. This was a jump the shark moment. Wardrobe on this production dropped the ball for sure. The fact that the noose was involved in this performance at all was a mistake, but Jussie wearing the noose all the way home and leaving it on until the cops showed up was a whole other level. Seriously, there should’ve been a wardrobe change before they shot the body cam scene at Jussie’s apartment. Fake Noose.
4. Giving Dave Chappelle Ammo
This is a pretty broad stroke, but you never want to be the butt of a world famous comic’s joke. Jussie will never recover from Chappelle’s stand up. He will forever carry the French name “Juicy Smolyay” and the shame that goes along with it. If you haven’t seen the Chappelle bit move the rock that you’ve been living under and go watch it. You’ll thank me later.
3. The Food Choice
This is simple. Don’t eat at Subway. And if you do, for goodness sake don’t get the tuna. I mean is there anything nastier during a blizzard than mass-produced tuna. I don’t call it tuna fish, I call it tuna-ish. Okay, that joke sucked. But it was necessary to illustrate just how bad sandwich-chain tuna is; t’was the subway tuna of jokes.
2. The Script
Seriously, this script sucked. Who was in the writer’s room for this? Why didn’t an editor flag any of these unrealistic lines? “This is MAGA country!” C’mon. No one is saying that. Just goes to show how out of touch Jussie was with the people he was trying to paint as evil. If I had been the writer, I probably would’ve written a script that went something like this: “Hey! It’s that actor from that show! Give me that sandwich! Wait, is that subway? Ewww. Tuna from Subway?! What are you thinking, man? It’s freezing out here and you went with a Subway tuna. That’s nasty, bro. Get outta here, you’re nasty. This is Quiznos country!” Now that’s believable dialogue!
1. The Sandwich
Oh, the memes. The sweet sweet memes. Nothing is funnier than thinking about the fact that Jussie loves his tuna sandwich so much that he didn’t drop it or damage it throughout the (fake) violent, racist and homophobic attack. Imagine what he was thinking when the cops saw the sandwich unscathed. “Damn it, Jussie, you forgot to destroy the sandwich!” Did he end up eating it? I can’t remember. Thinking about him eating that sandwich that night thinking to himself “man, I just totally nailed that hoax.” By the way, Subway really missed out on a killer ad campaign: “Sandwiches so good, you won’t let go of them even in freezing temperatures during a racist and homophobic attack!” #missedopportunity.
Hoax Fresh!
Go check out our commemorative Jussie shirt here.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.