The decade's most triggering comedy
The Martha’s Vineyard Neighborhood Association of Selfish Entitled Hypocrites has released a statement attacking Florida governor Ron DeSantis, saying “Governor DeSantis acted in flagrant violation of federal law by exposing our association of selfish entitled hypocrites as selfish entitled hypocrites. At least, we assume that’s a flagrant violation of federal law. If it’s not, what are the little people paying taxes for?”
DeSantis cruelly tricked 50 illegal immigrants into going to Martha’s Vineyard by telling them it was a lovely summer colony of sandy beaches and beautiful homes filled with leftists who wholeheartedly believe in unpoliced American borders and would therefore welcome them with open arms if they had an ounce of integrity. DeSantis revealed his evil intentions by chuckling darkly as he spoke the words, “If they had an ounce of integrity,” and by then muttering to himself, “And if pigs could fly, it would rain bacon.”
One illegal, speaking in his native Hellhole, told a translator, “When I reached the Vineyard and saw the many signs that said, ‘We believe no person is illegal,’ I was overjoyed because my English is not so good and I thought those words meant ‘We believe no person is illegal.’ It was very cruel of Ron DeSantis not to explain how wrong I was.”
Bravely fighting back against the malevolent DeSantis, some Vineyard residents clarified the signs for the illegals so that they now read, “We believe it is good to put up a sign that says ‘we believe no person is illegal’ after which we will call the National Guard and have you brown suckers bussed out of here so fast we’ll still have time to play a quick 18 holes at Farm Neck where the views, by the way, are absolutely breathtaking.’”
As Martha’s Vineyard residents waved a tearful sangria at the departing illegals, they suddenly found themselves besieged by flocks of journalists who came out of their summer homes to ask, “Just how evil is Ron DeSantis?” before heading over to the deck at the Dunes where the Raspberry Lemon Drop cocktail is an absolute must.
One Vineyard summer resident, Thurston Howell the Fourth, told the journalists, “Listen, Lovey, my father spent three years on an island with Gilligan so we know what suffering is. That’s why we’re committed to making sure THIS island remains a safe place for us to posture virtuously without experiencing any of the discomforts of actual virtue. It’s not like we don’t let in ANY immigrants. After all, that Kenyan fellow Obama is here. And we even let him bring his wife and she’s a black man. So we’re really very tolerant of anyone who’s rich and powerful and basically white.”
The Obamas themselves issued a statement, and promised one of the illegals 6.50 an hour to deliver it to the media. The statement said, “Today Michelle and I are thinking of the glorious Statue of Liberty, who raises her lamp over New York Harbor to embody the words, ‘Give me the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.’ Because believe me, if we wanted to live in New York Harbor with a bunch of wretched refuse we wouldn’t have made 65 million dollars producing unwatchable documentaries for Netflix. I mean, think about it. We actually made a documentary called ‘Our Great National Parks.’ Do you think that was interesting? Do you think we did that so that people would be informed and entertained? Don’t be ridiculous. We did it so we could afford to summer in a place without people from craphole countries screwing up the view. Now pay this guy his 6.50 and put him on the bus.”
Vastly overrated documentarian Ken “Vastly Overrated” Burns used the Martha’s Vineyard event to plug his new vastly overrated documentary about the Holocaust by making a convoluted comparison between flying illegals to Martha’s Vineyard, and shipping Jews to death camps. Burns added, “Sure, that’s complete crap but it will ensure my documentary is vastly overrated by many of the same people who just chased the illegals back to the mainland. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my golf game at Auschwitz or Martha’s Vineyard. I always get those two confused because I’m so shallow I’m virtually two dimensional.”
In the aftermath of DeSantis’s brutality, Martha’s Vineyard summer residents vowed to come together to restore the island’s “In-This-House-We-Believe” signs, many of which were quickly destroyed in the catastrophe. The Obamas announced they would be making a film about the dramatic events, entitled, “Our Great National Parks II: This Time, It’s Personal.” And Ken Burns disappeared up his own fundament, which turned out to be vastly overrated.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.