The following is satirical.
As last night’s debate made clear, the Democrat Party is now divided between socialists and moderates. The socialists believe the government should immediately take over the means of production so that there is no competition or responsibility and people advance through bribing government officials while producing undesirable goods until no wealth is being created, the economy collapses, and people end up roasting their children over garbage fires for food while tyrannical lunatics enriched by embezzled millions drive around in limousines wearing military uniforms they never earned and randomly choosing which citizens should be shot so everyone is too terrified to point out that the system has utterly failed at every level.
The moderates believe this program should be phased in more gradually.
The socialists are pushing such ideas as the Green New Deal, which would ban the development of the fossil fuels now used to create gasoline, heating oil, tires, clothes, deodorant, refrigerators, dishwashers, telephones and toilets.
Under the Green New Deal, instead of making these from petroleum, they would be created via solar energy by, for instance, planting refrigerator seeds and waiting for the refrigerators to grow naturally so that you’ll have somewhere to store your leftover children and can eat them later.
The moderate Democrats believe in using the words Green New Deal and hoping no one realizes what they mean so they can win elections and then pass laws called the Green New Deal that will allow the government to take over the means of production so that the economy collapses and people end up roasting their children and saving the left-overs in naturally grown refrigerators.
Among the presidential candidates, the radicals include Bernie Sanders, an 80-year-old man who hasn’t changed his mind about anything since 1953 when he went into shock because the Rosenbergs were executed.
The moderates include Pete Buttigieg, who became a deeply committed Christian after erasing every occurrence of the words Shall Not from his copy of the Bible.
In between the radicals and moderates is Mike Bloomberg, whose actually a Republican billionaire, only shorter.
Related: Buttigieg’s Pastor Brother-In-Law: ‘Everything That Pete Is Pushing Is, It’s Anti-God’