The following is satirical.
With spring pitter-pattering into our lives like little cat’s feet or raindrops or something, movie-goers and TV-watchers and other people who have no lives are looking forward to a new season of Hollywood entertainment. How will our genetic-jackpot overlords enthrall, entertain, insult and debase us in the coming months, while taking our money and using it to promote causes that will destroy everything we hold dear?
Horror fans can look forward to a fresh take on the zombie genre with a chilling tale of an urban legend resurrected from the grave and brought back to shrieking life as a soulless entity that devours the brains of journalists. That’s the plot of Russian Collusion Cemetery, starring Michael Knowles as Rachel Maddow or vice versa. It tells of a grieving pundit’s attempt to resurrect her beloved conspiracy by burying it in cursed ground or on MSNBC, whichever is more horrific. The terrifying beast that results is finally destroyed when, after devouring Bret Baier at Fox, it runs out of journalists with brains.
Marvel will continue to try to ride the intersectional wave to the top of the box office with its new hero Woke Man or Possibly Woman, the first transgender superhero or maybe heroine. The origin story tells how Guido Maldone, a mixed martial artist, joins the Avengers after being bit by a radioactive venereal disease that transforms him into a woman with the amazing power to beat up every other woman on earth. Sequels are already in the pipeline including, Woke Man II: Really, Really Big Fight With a Lot of Different Superheroes, Woke Man III, Even Bigger Fight, and Woke Man IV: Utter Make-Believe Catastrophe That Will Be Explained Away in the Next Movie. So 30-year-old males will have a lot to look forward to instead of going out on dates.
And of course, on HBO, we’ll finally find out whether the White Walker armies of the dead will triumph and seize the throne or Donald Trump will win re-election.