The following is satirical.
The New York Times, a former newspaper, has set off a bombshell with a new report of completely unsubstantiated rumors of yet another absurd sexual allegation against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. The report of the factually empty gossip was such a bombshell that it blew several Times reporters out of the newsroom and into a vast darkness of journalistic malfeasance where they floated desolate in a soul-destroying moral vacuum along with most of the Times’ editorial staff.
According to the allegations, someone said someone said something ‘bout something else someone might have said about Justice Kavanaugh. No, wait, sorry, that’s a James Taylor song. No, wait, that’s actually also The New York Times piece, although the Times did not supply the lilting melody or soulful blues-slash-country vocal stylings of Mr. Taylor at his extraordinary artistic peak.
The Times story alleges — and I am not making this up — that some guy saw Kavanaugh’s friends push Kavanaugh’s penis into the hand of a woman at a party at Yale. The penis was later returned to Mr. Kavanaugh by his friends who said they had only borrowed it as a prank. The allegation was alleged in an alleged book by some alleged reporters for the Times, an alleged newspaper. But in the book, the woman in question says she has no memory of the incident — a fact that was left out of the original Times story, which is both an astounding act of corrupt journalistic malpractice and standard operating procedure at the Times.
Democrats immediately reacted to the fact-free third-hand rumors by demanding Kavanaugh’s impeachment. In a statement by a female make-believe Indian presidential candidate, who asked to remain anonymous while she was degrading herself by spreading baseless calumnies, “This unfounded slur is just one more unfounded slur to add to the pile of unfounded slurs which magically become founded once you pile them up high enough.”
Mobs of hysterical leftist females immediately gathered outside the Supreme Court shrieking “Believe all women,” while simultaneously making that utterly impossible.
Related: Trump: Check Out What NYT Just Had To Do After ‘Assaulting’ Kavanaugh With Smear Report