Chronology of a Hillary Clinton Scandal

Friday, March 18th, Midnight.

Barack Obama’s Replacement Deputy Assistant Interim Acting Former Press Secretary Olga Yamanamalumavich calls a late night press conference for a blogger named Jerry. Ms. Yamanamalumavich, speaking in a rare dialect of Finnish Serbo-Croation, announces that in response to a FOIA request filed by right wing watchdog Judicial Watch in 1977, the Obama administration is releasing a massive stack of documents, videotapes, empty pizza cartons and out-of-print paperback novels.

Monday, June 6th, 6AM.

After weeks of combing through the massive stack of material, blogger Jerry discovers a flash drive containing an erased but recoverable iPhone video showing Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin seducing a 12-year-old boy into a menage a trois, then shooting him to death to keep him quiet, then devouring his body to hide the evidence. After sending a copy of the video to Matt Drudge, Blogger Jerry goes out for a walk and is run over by a taxi cab seventeen times.

Monday, June 6th, 6:15AM

The Drudge Report runs a picture of a police siren to announce a red-letter headline: Hill and Huma Seduce, Kill and Devour 12-year-old, with a link to the video on YouTube. YouTube responds to the high traffic by taking the video down, saying it violates their terms of service agreement. A Google search for Hillary-Huma-Seduce-Kill returns thirteen results, all of them related to the film Finding Nemo. No major news outlet covers the story.

Tuesday through Thursday, June 7th through 9th.

All across the internet, right wing websites run bootleg copies of the video explicitly showing the atrocity. The murdered boy’s weeping mother appears on Sean Hannity’s show to explain why she’s voting for Donald Trump.

Monday, June 13th.

After a weekend in which the Twitter hashtag “Hillary-Kill-Feast” is trending around the world, Hillary Clinton issues a statement saying the release of the video is “a wacky right wing plot to exploit material hacked off her phone by Russians trying to manipulate an American presidential election.” The New York Times covers the story with the headline: “GOP Seeks to Use Video to Prevent First Woman Presidency.” The Times’s Charles Blow writes an op-ed, saying, “So far, despite bloviating from every nutbag on the right, there is no smoking gun. The gun has absolutely stopped smoking.” Donald Trump sends out a Tweet calling Joe Scarborough a loser who’s in bed with Jeff Zucker.

Tuesday, June 14th.

The story breaks big. The New York Times, ABC, CBS, NBC and CNN all lead with headlines screaming: Donald Trump Slings Gay Slur at Joe Scarborough. During a panel discussion, CNN’s Andrea Mitchell says, “This could have been a bad week for the Clinton campaign, what with the whole lesbian murder and cannibalism story, but Donald Trump blew it off the front pages with another of his O-M-G gaffes.”

Wednesday, June 15.

At a campaign stop in New Mecca, Michigan, a reporter shouts a question about the scandal at Hillary from the iron press cage behind a rope 30 yards away. Mrs. Clinton responds, “That’s old news. Here, have a piece of chocolate-covered 12-year-old’s eyeball. They’re delicious!”

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