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Unemployment Rate Rises As Bolton Loses Job [Satire]

US National Security Advisor John Bolton answers journalists questions after his meeting with Belarus President in Minsk on August 29, 2019.
SERGEI GAPON/AFP/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

 

John Bolton has either quit or been fired as National Security Advisor, depending on whether you believe Bolton, who tells the truth about everything even when it costs him his job, or Trump, who just makes stuff up all the time.

Bolton and Trump had long been known to have serious policy differences. Trump, for instance, wanted to invite Taliban negotiators to Camp David for peace talks whereas Bolton wanted to invite Taliban negotiators to Camp David for peace talks then drop out of the rafters with a K-Bar Combat knife, slit their throats and urinate on their writhing bodies as they died.

In a similar way, the president wanted to go on a joint club vacation to the Grand Bahamas with Kim Jong Un so that the two leaders could drink mai tais on the beach, enjoy the musical stylings of a local gumbay band and dance the night away until Kim agreed to get rid of his nuclear weapons. John Bolton wanted to invite Kim on a joint helicopter ride then dangle him out the open door until he agreed to shut down his missile program, then drop him anyway to see if he really made a sound like a watermelon when his fat little body hit the ground.

 

The policy differences apparently became too difficult to deal with after Trump requested a meeting with the president of Iran and Bolton called in a nuclear strike on the Oval Office. Bolton then either tendered his resignation or was fired depending on whether you believe Bolton or are a gullible fool.

 

Trump has begun making calls to possible Bolton replacements. He asked retired Lieutenant General Keith Kellogg to come in for an interview, but Kellogg reportedly replied, "He no here. I no speak English. General Kellogg move away long time." Trump also called Mike Pompeo advisor Brian Hook who said only, "New phone. Who dis?"

Bolton's departure highlighted the excellent Trump economy as the only Americans now out of work are people who used to have jobs in the White House.

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