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Jews Swear To React To Trump’s Dumb Remarks By Destroying Themselves [Satire]

U.S. President Donald Trump walks away after presenting the Medal of Freedom to retired Boston Celtic Bob Cousy in the Oval Office at the White House on August 22, 2019 in Washington, DC.
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The following is satirical.

 

President Trump made some silly comments about Jews recently, and furious Jewish Americans have sworn to over-react by voting for Democrats who want to wipe Israel off the face of the earth.

In an absurd off-hand remark, Trump told reporters he thought any Jew who voted for a Democrat would demonstrate, "either total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty." The comment absolutely shocked observers who had believed until now that Trump was a careful and considered speaker who would never utter a foolish phrase without fully thinking it through. Those observers are named Cyrus Barndinger and Virgil Snopes. Both men live in Florida.

Jewish Americans struck back immediately. Harvey Bernstein, President of the Association of Jews Who Are Nowhere Near As Smart As Everyone Always Says They Are, issued a statement saying, "How dare President Trump make this sort of insignificant error? As a self-destructive and none-too-bright Jew, I plan to seize on this irrelevant bagatelle to justify voting for a Democrat Party that is trying to destroy the state of Israel and that can't even pass a resolution condemning anti-Semitism without throwing in a lot of chazerai that makes the whole thing meaningless." Mr. Bernstein then punctuated his comments by firing a pistol into his foot and slamming his forehead repeatedly into a brick wall.

 

Trump further infuriated Jews by idiotically retweeting the fulsome praise of a radio host who said Israelis love Trump "like he's the King of Israel or the second coming of God."

 

In an indignant statement released to a group of reporters who despise him, Bernard Mendelsohn, president of the National Association of Jews Dedicated to Taking This Whole Self-Hatred Thing and Really Running With It, said, "When the president who moved the American embassy to Jerusalem retweets stupid self-praise, I know it's time to give my vote to Democrats who sympathize with our homicidal enemies."

Meanwhile, The New York Times, a former newspaper, assigned three reporters to misinterpret Trump's remarks until they sort of sound vaguely anti-Semitic. They’re still working on the story.

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