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Biden and Trump Square Off In Preview Of The End Of The Republic [Satire]

Former U.S. Vice President Joe Biden, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, speaks during a campaign event in Davenport, Iowa, U.S., on Tuesday, June 11, 2019.
Jim Young/Bloomberg via Getty Images
 

The following is satirical.

 

President Trump and Joe Biden attacked each other yesterday in what could be a preview of either the 2020 election or a tremendous migraine I’ve felt coming on for weeks.

Speaking in Iowa, a state that is now populated entirely by Democrat presidential candidates, Biden said that Trump was literally an existential threat to America meaning that America would literally cease to exist if Trump continued to be president, which would make it difficult for Americans to find a place to park although it would be a lot easier for them to swim to France. Biden later said he didn’t mean Trump was literally an existential threat, he just liked the way it sounded when he used big words like literally and existential until he found out what literally and existential literally mean then it just sounded virtually stupid.

 

Biden went on to declare, “President Trump has committed gross abuses of power like using the IRS to silence political opponents, making laws through executive action, and unleashing federal agencies to spy on opposition candidates, or maybe that was Obama but anyway it was one of those presidents and it’s got to stop.”

Biden did spend some time talking about his policies like his pledge to either support or oppose the Hyde amendment, and his sense that China either was or wasn’t a threat to America, whichever you prefer.

Trump responded to Biden’s attack by calling Biden a series of insulting nicknames like Sleepy Joe, Creepy Joe, Sloppy Joe, Cup of Joe, Morning Joe and scumface. He then dropped his pants and wagged his backside in Biden’s general direction which some Trump supporters cheered as a new tone for the presidency reminiscent of Abraham Lincoln when he mooned Jefferson Davis in this really weird dream they had.

In any case, if this does turn out to be a preview of the 2020 presidential campaign, I think it literally is an existential threat to America and we should probably all begin swimming to France.

 

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