Australia has "unexpectedly" returned their conservative, Donald Trump-esque Prime Minister to office for a third term in a vote that "shocked" international media and left-leaning Australians.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison's Liberal National coalition government will return to power, despite an election that most pollsters and experts agreed was "unwinnable" for conservatives and "unlosable" for the country's Labor party, according to CNN.
"This was the unlosable election for the Labor Party. That's how this was considered," one reporter told international media from an Australian Labor party election celebration Friday evening. Instead, it's likely that the Labor party will be forced to deeply reconsider its platform and make radical changes in leadership.
It seems the polling problems were similar to those that dogged major American networks in the days before the 2016 presidential election, with most outlets under-reporting those who planned to vote for now-President Donald Trump, particularly in swing states like Michigan, Wisconsin, and Florida. Australians under-reported their support for their conservative government, and Labor leaders took that as a sign that they were headed for a landslide victory.
But, it turns out, the Labor position of "taking action on climate change, improving funding to services, and ending tax cuts for top earners" was more unpopular than initially believed. The consensus among post-mortem analysts seems to be that Labor simply got too greedy, assuming that because Australians are willing to accept small, incremental tax increases for certain projects, that they'd be supportive of tax hikes across the board.
"It's Australians who have worked hard, started a business, started a family, bought a home," Morrison credited with sending him to victory. "These are the quiet Australians who have won a great victory tonight."
He called the results a "miracle win."
Morrison campaigned on a simple platform: keep the economy strong by enacting pro-business policies and cutting taxes where he is able. He did not, controversially, have any plan to address "climate change" — something the left made the hallmark of their national campaign.
The left quickly predicted a swift and apocalyptic end to the world. Celebrities and television personalities burst into hysterics on social media, over concerns that Australians had just signed their environmental death warrants, according news.com.au.
Australians are dumb, mean-spirited and greedy. Accept it.— Meshel Laurie (@Meshel_Laurie) May 18, 2019
One "author and social commentator" whined, “I guess this is Australia right now. Like so many others, I despair. Trump, Brexit, Scomo — while the planet disintegrates.”
“Australia has given its malevolent, ignorant and corrupt version of the Trump administration a third term,” a late-night comedy talk show host tweeted.
"I’m scared. I’m scared for women, refugees, the disadvantaged, our indigenous people and anyone who wants a better Australia. Is this what America felt a few years ago?" another commentator added.
Live panels assessing the election results competed for who could look the most despondent.