New Guidelines For Woke College Guidance Counselors [Satire]

University in Autumn.
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The following is satirical.

Leftist universities are issuing new guidelines to help guidance counselors deal with troubled students.

Among the pieces of advice for woke adults trying to help young people maneuver through the difficult college years are these.

If a young woman who looks slim and fit tells you that in spite of her appearance she is obese and needs to lose fifty pounds, immediately put her in touch with a psychotherapist to cure her body dysmorphic disorder.


If a young man who looks like a young man tells you that in spite of his appearance he is a woman, immediately put him in touch with a surgeon to cut off his private parts.

If a young woman comes to you and says she is depressed because her boyfriend has left her, explain to her that she is a victim of oppressive patriarchal constructs meant to make her believe that women can only be completed in relationship and recommend that she begin to dress like a hag, sleep around like a slut and then shriek in the faces of people who make her feel so very, very ashamed of herself. Then she’ll have no problems with men.


If a young man comes to you and says he fears he may be gay which conflicts with the religious beliefs that have always filled his life with joy and meaning, tell him to stop believing in God.

If a young person of color comes to you and tells you he feels awkward and uncertain of himself, tell him of course he does, everyone hates him because of his race, and if he simply explains to all the white students that they have ruined his life by holding slaves before they were born and must now fork over some sweet, sweet reparations, he will then feel much better about himself.

With these few guidelines, woke advisors will now be able to guide their students to a better life from the moment they enter college to the moment they hang themselves.

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