Democrats Are A Sorry Lot [Satire]

The following is satirical.

As the Democrat 2020 presidential field begins to approximate the population of Pittsburgh, candidates are trying to distinguish themselves by their positions on the issues.

Beto O’Rourke, for instance, says he apologizes for being a white male and regrets having made a cute little joke about his wife because it’s just the sort of thing a white male would do and then apologize for, for which he apologized. O’Rourke says that going forward he will be more ashamed of being white which he hopes will win him the votes of all white males who are ashamed or who should be ashamed for making cute little jokes about their wives, who may also be white, for which he apologized.

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, on the other hand, says she apologizes for having helped force Al Franken to resign over some silly incident where he molested a sleeping woman, which she said wasn’t silly and she apologized for saying it was. Gillibrand said she only forced Franken out as a way of atoning for supporting Bill Clinton for which she apologized. From now on, when men are molesting women, Gillibrand promises she will condemn them each and every time it won’t result in costing the Democrats political power and if it will cost the Democrats power, she will dismiss it as silly, and then apologize.

Senator Bernie Sanders did not apologize for the fact that women in his last campaign were sexually harassed, but he says he apologizes for not apologizing and now apologizes.

Joe Biden says he apologizes for helping to draft tough-on-crime legislation since it caused many black criminals to be sent to prison where they belonged, a comment for which he apologized.

And finally, Senator Elizabeth Warren says she apologizes for speaking with a forked tongue and thus offending the spirits of her ancestors which she doesn’t really have and she apologizes for saying that she did.

All in all, it’s safe to say the Democrats are a sorry bunch, and for that, they apologize.


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