Donald Trump is a huge, huge winner!
He’s totally going to blow out Hillary Clinton! He’s winning all of the polls! Except for the last twelve polls, which go something like this: Clinton +11, Clinton +18, Clinton +6, Clinton +10, Clinton +12, Clinton +10, Clinton +9, Clinton +13, Clinton +5, Clinton +8, Clinton +5, Trump +2. Of fifty polls taken since last July, Trump has won a grand total of 5, and tied two of them. So he’s batting .140.
Trump is the best with women. He says so himself. Except for the polls, which show that Trump has one of the largest gender gaps in American history – according to the latest NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, he’s clocking in with a 70 percent negative rating among women. He even loses white women by 10 points to Hillary. Among suburban woman, he’s losing by 30. By contrast, that lightweight loser choker Mitt Romney won white women by 14 points. In fact, Trump doesn’t win a single subset of women against Hillary. Not one.
Trump’s the best among black people. He says he loves the blacks, and they love him! Well, not so much. There was one outlier poll in September 2015 that showed Trump with outsized black support. Here are the polls from February: Trump at 10 percent (margin of error 9 percent), Trump at 7 percent, Trump at 12 percent (margin of error 10 percent), Trump at 11 percent, Trump at 4 percent, Trump at 10 percent (margin of error 10 percent). So yeah, not so much.
Trump’s winning swaths of new voters. He’s just bringing them out in droves. He’ll clock that Hillary Clinton, who can’t even beat Bernie Sanders! Except that Hillary has thus far won some 9 million votes, and Trump has won 7.8 million votes. So there’s that.
But Trump will turn blue states red, right? Well, here are the last three polls in Ohio: Clinton +6, Clinton +5, Clinton +7. Here are the last three polls in Florida: Clinton +8, Clinton +7, Trump +1. Yay, a win for Trump! How about New York? Clinton +19. How about Michigan? Clinton +11. How about North Carolina? Clinton +2. How about Virginia? Clinton +17. How about Utah? Utah? Clinton +2. Clinton even ties Trump in Arizona.
So yeah, Trump’s got troubles. But don’t worry – he’s a huge winner, and he’ll win for you! Trump now says he doesn’t want to debate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) because he’s won all the online polls. Well, then, he can be the online president, since those are apparently the only polls he’s winning.
And if you believe that, try one of his yuge, fabulous Trump steaks! They’re the best steaks you’ll ever try. The best, by polls (also defunct, but never mind).