KLAVAN: Word Sex With Beto Is A Sin [Satire]

Beto O'Rourke, Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate, holds a mobile device while speaking to voters outside a polling station in El Paso, Texas, U.S., on Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2018.
Sergio Flores/Bloomberg via Getty Images

The following is satirical.


I’ve always been very tolerant about people’s sexuality. I feel that what you do in the privacy of a network television show is none of my business. If you want to put your woo-woo in a gee-gaw instead of a nu-nu, I’ll be the first person to say I have no idea what you’re talking about. If a man wants to do something utterly disgusting with another man, my feeling is: Hey, that’s where musical comedy comes from. And if a guy wants to dress up as a woman, keep his dead mother stuffed in the basement of his roadside motel and then leap out of the shadows and stab naked women to death in the shower, who am I to judge?

But I’m sorry, when a journalist has word sex with Beto O’Rourke, I draw the line. The magazine Vanity Fair has released a profile of Beto by Joe Hagan that is an offense against God and Man. To quote directly from the piece: “When I arrive, Beto is barefoot and his adorably electable ankles send a shock of pleasure through me. He asks me if he should run for president and I say yes, yes, yes, oh, yes. Yes, yes...” Well, you get the idea. It’s time to draw the curtain.


Read your Bible, people. Word sex with Beto is a sin. It takes the natural pleasure that God intended to be between a man and any damn thing he can get his hands on, and it transfers that pleasure to promoting a political candidate with no experience and with incredibly poorly thought-out policies that would destroy the country.

Sex was given to us for a purpose. It’s meant to spread disease, and give women an inexplicable feeling that you’re committed to them before you dump them.

But when that purpose is twisted to make a perverse mockery of the once-honest profession of journalism, I say it’s time close the journalist bathhouses once and for all.

Call me a bigot, a sexist, a homophobe ... but at least I’m not a journalist for Vanity Fair.


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