FBI Finally Discovers Elites Aren’t All That Elite [Satire]

Felicity Huffman attends the 76th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at The Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 06, 2019 in Beverly Hills, California.
George Pimentel/WireImage

The following is satirical.


Federal authorities have charged a large number of wealthy elites with bribing, lying and cheating their way into top notch universities in a scam going back approximately 250 years. U.S. Attorney Sam Gullible says the FBI became suspicious when they realized that many supposedly educated elites didn’t have the faintest idea what they were doing and, despite their fancy clothes and overwhelming self-certainty, were basically as stupid as blocks of wood.


In announcing the charges to a barroom full of former FBI officials, Attorney Gullible said, “All this time, we in the deep state have been breaking every rule of law and decency to keep credentialed elites in power, and it turns out the credentialed elites had already broken every rule of law and decency just to become credentialed elites. As a federal officer, it almost makes me feel a little guilty about all that Trump-Russia stuff we made up.”

According to the indictment, one mother convinced her son to pretend to be gay in order to get into Yale. The crying young man told agents, “I kept telling her, ‘Mom, I don’t want to commit sodomy,’ but she said, ‘You’re Asian, damn it, sodomy is the only way you’ll ever get into a good school.’ Let me tell you, it was nowhere near as much fun as it looked in the pornography she made me watch.”

Special Agent Lance Clueless told reporters, “Exposing the corruption and dishonesty of undeserving elites could lessen America’s trust in elites if America had any trust in elites but as things are, it shouldn’t make much difference.”


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