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KLAVAN: Democrats Go Forward Into The Past [Satire]

The following is satirical.

It’s time to take a look at the latest Democrat candidates for president.

Among the frontrunners so far is Bernie Sanders, who announced his new campaign slogan, “Forward into the Past.” The sprightly 77-year-old Stalinist dramatized his entry into the race by taking a campaign worker into the cellar and shooting him in the back of the head to remind the public how things were done back in the Soviet Union when he was honeymooning there during his youth. Sanders is running on a platform of destroying the American economy and creating a new American life of breadlines and drudgery until the inevitable collapse into chaos.

Another Democrat hopeful is Senator Kamala Harris, who announced her candidacy with an all-girl sleepover with a group of giggling CNN reporters during which they tried on some cute clothes, smoked some dope and dished the dirt on whether party muck-a-muck Willie Brown was good in bed when he cheated on his wife, slept with Kamala, and then gave her coveted political appointments. Harris also released her music mood tape before detailing her platform of universal free poverty, saying that every American had a right to live on a street paved with homeless people with at least one cat to cook for dinner in every trash fire that kept them warm.

Third in line is Senator Elizabeth Warren, whose campaign slogan is “I’m not lying about my ancestry anymore.” Warren announced her candidacy with a touching speech about how her mammy and pawpaw would sit around the campfire under the totem pole telling the kids tales about their struggle to get married amidst all the prejudice against Native Americans which they’d heard about for some reason. “Mammy and Pawpaw were two of the biggest liars I ever met,” Warren told an audience of U.S. Cavalry men. “And if I’m elected, I will hunt them down and make them pay for their crimes.”

So far approximately 417 Democrats have announced they won’t be running. The rest are in.

 
 
 

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