KLAVAN: Best Green New Deal Ever! [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Alexandria Occasional Cortex has rolled out her Green New Deal and, by golly, it’s the best Green New Deal ever. The cute and stupid congresswoman — and don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I find more attractive than a cute, stupid congresswoman — put forward the plan that would completely eliminate all fossil fuels by the year Fantasia, and replace them with energy from the sacred Vitraya Ramunong tree from the movie Avatar.

The Green Deal would be financed by happy money from the best possible dreams so that — and this is a real quote from the plan’s original and since-disappeared FAQ — "the question isn’t how will we pay for it, but what will we do with our new shared prosperity." And did I mention she was cute too?

The Green Deal seeks to eliminate greenhouse gas emissions by, among other things, putting an end to cow flatulence and jet travel. The plan’s creators do admit there may be problems trying to eliminate both cow flatulence and jet travel because if cows have no gas, how will they be able to fly, and if cows can’t fly how will we get from place to place once we eliminate jet travel? Luckily, scientists have told Alexandria Occasional Cortex they are working round the clock on this problem, and she should just go away now and they’ll call her when they have it solved.

According to the FAQ, the Green New Deal not only guarantees a good-paying job for everyone, but also, "economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work." And lest you wonder how we’ll pay for that, the people who are unwilling to work will be given free money which will then be taxed to raise funds to pay the other people who are unwilling to work so that soon no one will have to work and we’ll all be rolling in dough.

Democrat Presidential candidate Kamala Harris also endorsed the deal, but she’s not that cute.


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