KLAVAN: Pelosi: 'We Don't Need The Wall We Need' [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has asked President Trump to delay his State of the Union address because security agencies can’t keep him safe during the current government shutdown.

In a letter issued from a broom closet which Pelosi accidentally walked into while under the impression she was accidentally walking into a men’s room, the speaker wrote:

"Dear Hateful Orange Man Bad. Because the government is shut down, we cannot provide security for the State of the Union address. Without enough money to fund security, anyone could walk into the address at any time whether it was a gangster or a terrorist or just the sort of lowlife who typically goes wherever he wants to without regard to the law. Why, without proper funding for security, It would be as if you were giving your speech in San Diego or one of those other horrible little border towns where just anybody can come in because there’s no way to stop them. The only other way we could protect you during the State of the Union would be to put up some sort of barrier but, while those always work, we can’t afford it because the government is shut down because of your ridiculous request to increase security and build a wall on the border. We cannot, of course, agree to that, so the government must remain shut down and you must delay your speech. Love and kisses, Nancy."

Pelosi further explained her reasoning to reporters who found her wandering around the Capitol Rotunda asking the statues there for directions back to her office. Pelosi said, "When it comes to questions of security, we must use simple common sense except when it comes to questions of security. Obviously, the sort of manpower and barriers we would need to protect the president, whom we hate, are not the sort of manpower and barriers we need to protect the people, whom we merely despise."

Negotiations will continue as soon as Pelosi remembers what the hell she’s negotiating about.


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