KLAVAN: New Liberal Laws For 2019 [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Whenever January first comes around, it’s always fun to check out what new laws have just gone into effect. It’s a good way of finding out what people in government have been doing instead of working for a living or minding their own business like decent, normal human beings.

For instance, in California this year, we have a new law that whenever an illegal alien commits an unimaginable atrocity on innocent Americans, news stations are required to play pictures of frightened Mexican children on the border for the next 24 hours or until the public forgets that Donald Trump is absolutely right on this issue, whichever comes first.

In New York state, whenever an untreated psychopath commits a mass shooting, public officials are now legally required to shake their heads sadly and talk about how Fox News is stigmatizing the mentally ill.

In Massachusetts, a new law says that in the event of Islamic terrorism, emergency workers must immediately rush to the city center and take turns reading violent Bible verses out of context until calm is restored.

And finally, a new law in Texas bars people from moving to the state from California, New York and Massachusetts, although that law is currently under challenge by people in liberal states who feel it’s unfair they should suffer the consequences of the crappy laws they passed at home when they could continue to feel virtuous by escaping to Texas and passing crappy laws there.

Some new municipal laws include San Francisco’s pooper-scooper law which requires wild dogs to clean up after homeless people. Then in Portland, Oregon, a new law requires that masked fascist rioters give a Miranda warning before beating the crap out of the police. And in Seattle, all drugs are now not only legal but are included free with your coffee.

Unfortunately, none of the laws I wanted passed made it through any legislatures, so it’s still legal to make movies that run longer than two hours, and driving slowly in the left lane is not punishable by death… unless I happen to be right behind you.


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