PETA Has A Beef With The Way We Chew The Fat [Satire]

An activist with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) lies covered with barbecue sauce during a protest against the consumption of animal products on November 1, 2018 in Lille, France.
Sylvain Lefevre/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

I used to make fun of the intersectionalists at the website Everyday Feminism. But over time, I began to feel there was something fundamentally unkind about mocking the delusional rant of, for instance, a white man who identified as a pregnant black woman and thought it was unfair that he was required to have an actual womb before he could slaughter his imaginary child with a make-believe abortion. Hilarious, yes, but fundamentally unkind. But hilarious.

So today, I’d like to set aside my cruel ridicule of those sad souls and instead turn my cruel ridicule on the people over at PETA. Because, let’s face it, they’re nuts too.

PETA is a group dedicated to making the lives of human beings miserable in order to promote causes that will have no effect whatsoever on the lives of animals. For instance, PETA got the Animal Crackers company to take the pictures of animals in pictures of circus cages off their boxes, so that the animal pictures might run free before you open the box and bite the head off a zebra.

But now PETA has turned its googly-eyed attention to changing the way people speak about animals, because the lives of animals will be wholly unchanged by that but it might make people unhappy and thus serve PETA’s ultimate goal.

For instance, PETA wants us to stop saying, "Kill two birds with one stone," and instead say "Feed two birds with one scone." I’m not making that up. Instead of "Beat a dead horse," they want us to say, "Feed a fed horse." And instead of "Bring home the bacon," they want us to say, "Bring home the bagels."

Now, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, and it’s possible PETA has hit the bull’s eye with these suggestions. I personally would be willing to compromise and kill two birds with one scone, or beat a fed horse to death. But when it comes to bacon, I think PETA is just going to have go screw itself. And the horse they road in on.

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