KLAVAN: Political Prediction: There Will Be Political Predictions [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Yesterday, we took a look at the possible Democrat presidential candidates for 2020, and that helped take our minds off our failing relationships, our shoddy work practices, and our neglected religious devotions. So today let’s distract ourselves once again with the sort of meaningless political prognostications without which cable news would just be a cable lying on a floor amidst cigarette butts, broken dreams and puddles of beer.

Let’s ask ourselves: Which Republicans might challenge Donald Trump in the primaries?

Perhaps the main GOP stalwart who might hurl himself into dubious battle with the president is former Ohio governor John Kasich. Kasich, who is still convinced he narrowly missed winning the 2016 nomination by a mere 14-hundred out of 15-hundred delegates, now has what he feels is a surefire strategy in which he plans to make a continual high-pitched whining noise while CNN anchors praise him for his integrity. Next, he’ll hold Ohio hostage until Trump hands over ten million dollars in small, unmarked bills. And after that, he’ll sink back into complete irrelevance while CNN anchors praise him for his integrity and then forget all about him.

Another Republican challenger is Arizona’s Jeff Flake, who is said to be contemplating a White House run in order to discover just how few votes one candidate can get. Experts believe Flake could actually end up with fewer than zero votes if enough people write in Negative Jeff Flake. Flake’s campaign strategy is to repeatedly punch Donald Trump in the fist with his face until Trump is so weakened Flake can finally kick him in the tip of his shoe with his ass and then go flying out the door into eternal obscurity.

Then, of course, there’s Mitt Romney, who feels if he plays his cards exactly right he might just be able to lose more bids for the presidency in a more humiliating fashion than Hillary Clinton. It’s an ambitious goal but every man needs a dream.

And finally, there is the one candidate who could conceivably cost Donald Trump the nomination: Donald Trump.


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