KLAVAN: What Election Day Means To Me [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Today is the day that millions of Americans will fulfill the most solemn responsibility of free men and women: the responsibility to blindly cast their votes without having the slightest idea what the hell is going on.

This is the day when we cherish the freedom to vote whether we are male or female, white or black, alive or a Democrat in order to insure that the best and the brightest from among our nation get nowhere near the levers of government — because when clowns and lunkheads are running things, it’s just more amusing.

Today, every American can stand tall in awe at the majesty of the peaceful transition of power from whatever idiot has it now to whatever fool has been willing to lie and cheat to get his hands on it.

Today, we put our most deeply held principles into action, and cast our votes so that our chosen leaders can begin the daunting task of raising money for their next campaign.

In each and every hamlet and town, Americans know in their heart of hearts that soon either a Democrat will ascend to high office and begin screwing everything up for decades or a Republican will take the reins and be crapped upon by the media for the rest of his natural life.

For myself, I can barely watch this profound spectacle of human liberty unfold without thinking to myself, "I wonder what else is on, and will there be a nude scene, and if so, how many times can I watch it before my wife comes in and tells me to knock it off."

This, after all, is what so many of our good and brave soldiers have fought and died for. Not the nude scene, I mean, but our right to vote in an election, although the nude scene is also terrific.

Today is election day, and only one thing is certain: when it’s over, we will all be able to say that we have reached a new level of mutual hatred and hostility.

And isn’t that what this country is all about?


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