KLAVAN: U.N. Predicts World Will End Again [Satire]

The following is satirical.

The United Nations has taken time off from sending Peacekeepers to enslave women in the Congo and abuse children on the Ivory Coast and run prostitute rings in Bosnia to warn us all that climate change is going to destroy the world again. The UN’s Committee on Screaming Over Unbelievable Disasters — or UNSOUND — has announced that, because of climate change, we must dismantle capitalism worldwide or everyone will die. If we do dismantle capitalism everyone will still die, but they’ll die with a lot less money.

The U.N. says that because of climate change, there will soon be heat waves, rainstorms and floods. These will be much worse than the heat waves, rainstorms and floods we have now because there’ll be no capitalism so everyone will be poor. Now you can see why climate change is so bad.

Now, many people have grown dubious of predictions of climate disaster because they’re simply tired of Al Gore, dressed in nothing but a towel, chasing masseuses around his hotel room while screaming, “The world is going to end so touch me now!” But the U.N. says their latest prediction of disaster is much worse than their previous predictions of disaster because they are predicting a much worse disaster so when it doesn’t happen it’ll be much worse than the other disasters that didn’t happen in the past.

Still, there can be little doubt that the climate is changing and that everyone will die in a spectacular fiery cataclysm just as soon as one of these climate predictions turns out to be correct. How can we avoid this horrifying yet visually stunning fate? Well, the models show that if we get rid of all fossil fuels within four years, we could actually stave off the apocalypse. Then we would be able to proudly tell our great grandchildren: “We’ve saved the planet so you can live horrible primitive lives in a socialist hell-scape.”

Or we can say screw it, and let the little rugrats fend for themselves.

I’m for that.


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