KLAVAN: Dems To FBI: Investigate Everything Forever! [Satire]

The following is satirical.

Republicans are saying the Democrats only want the FBI to investigate Brett Kavanaugh because they want to delay his confirmation until after the midterms. Democrats say that claim should be investigated by the FBI until after the midterms.

President Trump ordered the FBI to investigate the sexual malfeasance claims against Kavanaugh after Senator Jeff Flake caved to the Democrat’s demands because two leftist activist women shrieked at him in an elevator.

Flake says this was his "I'm not Spartacus moment," referring to the famous scene in the movie Spartacus when shrill women shrieked at the rebel gladiators until they all turned Spartacus over to the authorities, shouting, "He's the one over there who looks like Kirk Douglas."

When it was explained to Flake that that's not actually what happened in the movie, Flake responded, "Oh. Then I guess I'm just a cowardly eunuch."

The FBI has been assigned the task of finding out what happened 35 or 36 years ago in a place no one can identify at a party no one remembers in a room no one was in. In an op-ed in The New York Times, a former newspaper, dishonest ex-FBI Chief James Comey said the FBI is well able to perform this task. Comey wrote, "If I can make up all that Russian collusion crap, surely the agents now in place can come up with some nonsense."

Democrats are insisting that the feds can only get to the truth if they interview every screechy nudnick connected to left-wing advocacy groups willing to make up stories about a man they never met. Only after all these stories have been discounted, the Democrats say, can more stories that need to be investigated be made up.

Democrats, who once said Republicans were destroying the people's trust in our institutions by criticizing the FBI, are now criticizing the FBI for not being thorough enough and they say it should be investigated by the FBI.

When told that made no sense, Democrats responded: "Whatever, as long as it takes until after the midterms."


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