So now it's official: After 89 years of the Academy Awards — which doles out gold statuettes of a buff dude holding a sword — the Oscars is now penis free.
After a tumultuous year in which movie moguls and actors and entertainers of all stripes — provided they were men, of course — were tarred and feathered and ridden out of Hollywood on a rail, the host of the 90th Oscars pointed to a massive Oscar statuette on the stage and said he was Hollywood’s perfect leading man.
“Oscar is the most beloved and respected man in Hollywood, and there’s a very good reason why. Just look at him. Keeps his hands where you can see them, never says a rude word, and, most importantly, no penis at all. He is literally a statue of limitations,” Jimmy Kimmel said.
“And that’s the kind of men we need more of in this town,” he added.
For Kimmel, the late-night soapbox preacher, men and malehood was the target throughout the glitzy night, when the Hollywood elite gather to praise themselves. “Here’s how clueless Hollywood is about women: We made a movie called ‘What Women Want’ and it starred Mel Gibson,” Kimmel said.
There were other male-bashing jokes, including one after a director won for his movie "The Shape of Water," in which a mute woman saves an aquatic monster.
“Congratulations Guillermo del Toro. You made a beautiful movie and thanks to Guillermo we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish," Kimmel said.
Although Kimmel pledged that this year's Oscars would eschew politics, it didn't of course. He joked about a pedophiliac gay movie in which an older man seduces an underage teen: "We don't make films like 'Call Me by Your Name' for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence.”
Of “Get Out” director Jordan Peele, he said: "Jordan is only the first person in 90 years to be nominated for directing, writing and best picture for his debut film. What a debut it was. None other than President Trump called ‘Get Out’ the best first three quarters of a movie this year.”
He returned to the stage prop: "Oscar is 90 years old tonight, which means he’s probably at home tonight watching Fox News." So edgy!
The "awards show" featured other awkward attempts at spurring activism. Dave Chappelle introduced a musical performance from Common and Andra Day, who performed “Stand Up for Something” as an ode to American activism with politically-charged lyrics about topics like the NRA, the Parkland shooting, immigration, feminism and Puerto Rico.
But the evening always returned to the true target of the night: Men. In a pre-taped segment, actors, directors and others talked about diversity and the “#MeToo” and Time’s Up movements. “Some of my favorite movies are movies by straight white dudes about straight white dudes,“ comedian Kumail Nanjiani said in the video. ”Now straight white dudes can watch movies starring me and you relate to them. It’s not that hard, I’ve done it my whole life.”
Even though Greta Gerwig, the only female nominated in the "best director" category, didn't win, Frances McDormand applauded all women of Hollywood when she won the "best actress" category.
She asked every female nominated in any category in 2018 to stand before making a plea that Hollywood finance their stories and their projects. She said she wanted to leave the audience with two words: "inclusion rider."
Well, not inclusion for men, it turns out.
And Kimmel ended the night with this: “I really hope Frances McDormand wins an Emmy for the speech she gave at the Oscars,” he said. “I wish I was a woman, I really do.”
We know you do, Jimmy.