Amy Schumer is a hypocritical harpy.

We know this not because of her constant drumbeat of vulgarity and promiscuity, or even because she profits from that vulgarity and promiscuity. We know it because if anyone dares to make a joke about her vulgarity or promiscuity, she reacts with the righteous indignation of a wronged nun.

On Sunday night, a 17-year-old kid named Jackson Murphy attended the Critics Choice Awards and took a picture with Schumer. Murphy then tweeted at Schumer, and Schumer got ticked and tweeted back:

Oh, how dare the 17-year-old boy insult the pure-as-the-driven-snow innocence of Amy “I Can Catch a Dick Whenever I Want” Schumer? How dare he?!

So Murphy then apologized:

Actually, it was funny. Schumer's just a ridiculous head case with a thin skinner than her morality.

She responded with condescension:

We can certainly understand why Schumer would be upset. I mean, it’s not as though she’s made a career off of a show self-titled Inside Amy Schumer or a comedy tour titled Back Door Tour. It’s not like she admits to maximizing her sex talk to push her career: “I have used sex as a marketing tool and it has worked. I mean, my TV show is called Inside Amy Schumer.” It’s not as though she made a movie about a promiscuous woman afraid of settling down, and then explained, “For me, this is my experience and a lot of the women that I am close to are the same.”

It’s not like she routinely does photo shoots playing on her proud promiscuity:



It’s not as though half her jokes mock her own pride in her inability to avoid “catching a dick,” as she so tastefully puts it. She doesn’t mock other promiscuous women for having airs of grandeur: “My whole life I found friends that are just like me, young girls that were just like me, like we were all whores…In my group of friends, the sluttiest of us was this girl Katie…she wouldn’t own it. Like as soon as she had a boyfriend, she’d start acting like Mother Teresa.”

And we know that Schumer is sensitive. After all, she blocked this author on Twitter for mocking Schumer’s ridiculous naked photo shoot with Annie Liebowitz:

You see, she’s brave. She’s always brave. She’s so brave that she declares herself brave and blocks anyone who disagrees, or mocks any teenager who utilizes her trademark humor about herself.

What a saint.

In Hollywood, feminism means being strong enough to have sex with anyone or anything, but not strong enough to take a joke about it – unless you’re charging people to hear you make that joke.